Music & the Spoken Word

It has been one spiritual weekend, that's for sure. I have loved every single minute of it! :)

This morning my friends and I went downtown to Music & the Spoken Word. Through the grapevine of some former MG's I know, I found out they were going to be singing Oh, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and that they only do it like, once a year!! So I HAD to go. I couldn't miss this opportunity to hear them sing my very.favorite.song. live!!! I just couldn't, and let me tell you, it was beautiful. I cried. (Gosh, lots of crying this weekend too!)

That song is so powerful, yet so calming. It's the song I listen to when I am feeling nervous/anxious/upset/confused and it instantly sends the warm spirit to surround me. It's one incredible song. It seriously is just one of those songs that you listen to with your eyes closed; and just let it consume you. They just sing it so perfectly, and I wish so badly I could sing it with them. It was beautiful! They sang a few other songs, and they totally rocked it. (Why am I using that term so much?) But it was awesome to see others coming in, not of our faith, tourists, with the missionaries, and then those of the Church. It was really neat, and they did such a fabulous job!

Briley wanted a tour, since he never has been on one and he just got home from his mission almost a week ago, so we toured the General Conference Center. It was beautiful. We got to go inside the meeting area, and got to go down in the front, and learn about the seating and such..

What I would give to sit on the plaza level.
What I would give to speak at General Conference.

It was amazing, knowing that just last night, our General Authorities were sitting up there. And that they will again in just a few days. I am so blessed to live in Utah. To be surrounded by so many temples, and to have seen General Conference live many, many times. I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for this beautiful life. For allowing me to strengthen myself in the gospel, and fill my heart with his unconditional love. I have felt the Spirit so strongly this weekend, and I hope it only continues to stay, forever.

Relief Society Broadcast 2012

My aunt had some extra tickets to women's conference, so Abby and I got to go! We got there late, but it's okay, it was just as awesome! :) Here, I'll share some notes I took:


RS Conference FALL 2012

Atonement is evidence of HF love for us. 

 Carole M Stephens: We are bound to Him, by covenant. Check the condition of your heart, for the allowance of the Spirit. Are you letting your sisters down spiritually? How are you lifting them and their cart up? (Trek story) Are you running back, leaving your cart and helping others carry theirs..? (Daughter of God song) Relief society prepares us for eternal life. 

 Linda S. Reeves: You are not alone; you are an important daughter in His family. They feel the depth of our suffering and through that depth, we can feel of their love. Cry. You cannot do this alone. Pour out your heart. You need your Father in Heaven. You cannot live life alone. Tell him everything, and he will say "That was all I needed to know." When he calls them home, everything will be alright. He has not forgotten you. Whatever sin, weakness, pain, struggle, trial you're going through. He loves you. He knows what you're going through. Cast your burdens upon him, tell him how you feel, your pain and afflictions, and then turn them to him. Come unto Him. 

President Eyring: Cherish one another, comfort one another, gain instruction that we may gather together in heaven. 1)care for each other 2) teach each other and be taught 3) sit down together with God. You have responded to the Lord's call, to relieve each other. What comes next for willing hands to do? All of you are sisters and beloved daughters of our father. Cherish, watch over, and comfort each other. Relief society is in charge. Do not worry. Keep the faith! You will abide The Lord. When The Lord lets us encounter someone in distress, we honor that opportunity! Do all you can to help others. The plan of salvation can be your guide in tough decisions. Gain instruction. "If thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." Care for each other in the pure love of Christ. The Savior is always in the circle, as we invite Him. "Please, come sit here with me." He hears as answers your prayers of faith, for guidance and help. You will be strengthened and surprised to know; The spirit will comfort you and let you know when you wonder, did I do enough!?

Sorry, my notes are everywhere and just thoughts jotted down.
It was so amazing. I cried. And lot of people around me were crying, so I didn't feel as silly. President Eyring rocked it. He really said so many things I needed to hear. The part that I remember the most was about visiting teaching. I haven't been yet, and I got my assignment about 3 months ago. I keep using the excuse that I can't because I have school and work, but there are many, many other ways I can visit the sisters I'm supposed to VT. Sometimes I feel nervous, awkward, and weird, because I'm so young.. ya know? But it doesn't matter. I'm a sister in the Relief Society, I have a calling and it is my duty to serve others, especially those I'm called to visit teach. I was really impressed by the Spirit and how strong it was, you could definitely feel it the minute you walked in the conference center. We are so blessed and so lucky to be living in these Latter-days, and having the opportunities to go downtown and see our leaders speak, live. It was so great! They had us sing, I Stand All Amazed together, and it was amazing. I bawled my eyes out, and I couldn't even sing. The power of the women there tonight was incredible. We really are apart of something great, and I'm so thankful.

Abby and I went and got dinner after, and headed home for some dove chocolate. Yum! All in all, it was a great night, and I'm SO excited for this coming weekend. General Conference rocks!!

Cosmic Bowling

Some friends, my sister and I went bowling tonight, and it was so fun! They do cosmic bowling around 10:00 PM and they play lots of fun music. Your shoe laces glow, sometimes your shirt, and if you're cool enough, your fingernails and teeth. Haha, I invited my friend Briley, he had just returned home from his mission 3 days ago... and he came!! :O I have to say, I was shocked. I had no idea if he'd be comfortable coming, especially being around girls but it ended up being just fine! :) I was so excited when I saw him. He even gave me a hug!! He's so funny, and still the same as before he left, maybe just a little bit more calm, totally humble and respectful. Hahaha, you can definitely tell he's right off the mission, but he's one of my really good friends from Institute! :)

We had about 7 people, but it was a blast! I'm so glad my sister came :) Now she can see why going to institute is awesome, because then you just hangout with everyone outside of institute!! :) I never have time to go out with friends anymore, and since I didn't have work the next day, it was really nice to get out and have some fun, even into the weeeeeeeeeee hours of the night ;)

The second game.

Oh, you see how balla got 2 STRIKES on the last one??

That's pretty awesome I must say!

I was jumping up and down.

My cute sister & friend Jose!

After 2 very long years, it was so good to see my pal Briley! :) He served in Monterrey, Mexico! He kept saying how much he misses it, which is completely normal, but he was such a wonderful missionary :) I used to see him every single day, at institute. We became best of friends. I love institute. Congratulations Elder, you returned with honor! :) Thanks for coming bowling!! :)

The Closer It Gets

Every single year, my heart pounds like crazy when October approaches.
I get excited for General Conference.
I get excited for my mom's birthday.
I get excited for Brady's birthday.
I get excited for Halloween.
And obviously, I'm just excited.

But after all of that passes, and the "true" holidays approach, my heart aches a little inside.
October 26th will mark 3 years since my sweet Andy has passed. Why do I call him "my sweet Andy?" I honestly can't say. Everyone calls him Nate, (because thats his name) but I have always known him as Andy, and that's how I'll always know him. He's just so sweet and always was kind to me. I just have this little tug at my heart, when I hear his name. Sometimes it stings, but it always reminds me of how special Andy was. Not only to me, but more friends and especially his family.

My heart aches a little, it's always hard to remember something that, with each passing year it has gotten easier. I spoke with my best friend about it, and I'm okay now. I'm really ready to close that book in my life, and place it on the shelf. Sounds silly, but I love symbolism, and that idea. Because it's truly how I'm feeling with all of this.

Andy is sweet, and he'll always be 16 to me, but I'm doing okay now. It still hurts, and I think it always will. Remember this? That song couldn't explain what I'm trying to say right now, more perfectly. Andy is so amazing. I can't even imagine his happiness right now. And that's what I'm doing for myself. My life keeps going, and I can't keep holding back because I can't let it go yet.

Well, I'm ready.
This is huge for me. It was such a big deal in my life, and maybe it always will be. I've learned to live with it, and even though I'm not over it, I'm able to look past it and keep moving forward. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has ever offered me love and support through this hardship. It really means a lot to know I'm not alone. It was such a hard and trying time in my life, and I couldn't have done it without most of you. I wanted to share a picture of his cute little girl, and I hope his mom is okay with that.

She is so cute. I can't believe how big she's getting. She looks like him. Oh how proud he must be of her, and her mom. She's so adorable and I've loved seeing pictures of her growing up, helps me get to know someone Andy knew that I didn't!

I love my Andy... and as this October month approaches, I'll keep a prayer in my heart, to fill that crack, that won't ever go away, but is always filled with the love and comfort of my Savior, with the knowledge that I will see Him again.

Love you Andy.
I'll be seeing you in a few months.
♥

Level 5

I have waited so long for this to happen. It's really a neat thing to finally say I'm a certified level 5 teller. I haven't even worked there for 1.5 years (almost), and it happened so fast. I have worked so hard for this. I have put up with a lot for this. But I still love my job. I may have really bad days, meet/come across some very mean people, but I love what I do. I love helping people, and watching them leave with a smile on their face, knowing you've just helped them complete a task in their day. I love answering questions. Seriously, it sounds cheesy, but I really do. I also loooove helping the other tellers. When I get to do things that my supervisors normally would do, makes me really happy. They keep telling my I've got leadership qualities, so it's pretty fun to pretend I'm a supervisor sometimes!

My job is hard. But it's rewarding and I'm excited to see what is in store for me! :)

In 7 Months...

I will be graduating from SLCC with my Associates of Science in Psychology.

Can you believe it?

I can and I can't.

My first year of school was hard, and I pretty much played and didn't take classes very seriously. But it wasn't until I took a Psychology class at Snow that I began to realize this seriously is my passion. I had a wonderful high school counselor that I still keep in touch with, and she really influenced me in my decision to help others. When I lost my sweet Andy in high school she was truly the only one there for me. That was my year in trusting her, and relying on her to help me. She truly did. It was something about her, and her office, and her words, her comfort, her friendship, her caring heart to sincerely help me. She wasn't just a counselor that changed my classes because I hated my teacher. She truly cared about my mental and emotional well-being. And the day that I graduated, I clearly remember her handing me my high school diploma and I just told her I couldn't have done it without her. There is just no way. I thanked her for all that she did, and told her I was going to miss her dearly. *insert tearful eyes*

From that day forward, I knew that not only did I want to make a difference in lives and make sure high school students knew they were cared for, like she had for me. But I also wanted to make a difference in the lives of those who were suffering like my sweet Andy. Oh how precious life is. My perspective has completely changed, and I only hope my dream can be reached. If I can change just one persons life. Just one, my life will be complete.

In just 7 months, I will graduate.

In just 7 months, I can truly start my journey of becoming a HS counselor.

I'm so happy!

I might cry.

:)

Oh, and this also makes me very happy.

Love Never Fails You

This is it. This is for me. This is my love. This is my life. This is my blessing. This is my journey.

It's all for me. I've been given every single thing in my life, and I deserve it all. I truly have been through so much, and I have been blessed even greater than what I have been through. It's true when they say, the Lord will not take something from your life without replacing it with something greater.

I remember when I dated this boy that I thought I loved in high school. There was a lot of drama, and heartbreak, and cute texts, and fights, and everything in between. I didn't think there was a greater anything than the guy I had in my life at the moment... but little did I know the Lord had something in store for me, much greater than I could have ever dreamed of.

Being with Brady has made me realize what it really means to love someone. To want everything and more for someone. To look at someone in the eyes, and tell them they deserve everything they want, they deserve the world. I have never emotionally, spiritually and physically cared about someone so much, as I have Brady.

Yes, I know I say this a lot, and yes I know I talk about Brady and express my love for him a lot. I know.

Tonight I can literally feel the Spirit engulf my heart. I can truly say my Father is with me tonight as my heart longs for my sweetheart. He knows of my wants, needs and desires. He knows my pains, weaknesses and frustrations. He knows me better than anyone else. Which is exactly why He knows I deserve Brady. I need Brady. I cannot continue my journey back to Him without Brady. I cannot imagine that.

Brady is what I need. He helps me through my struggles. He comforts me, even being in England. These past two years he has done nothing but make sure I am happy and well taken care of. Nobody has ever done that for me. Nobody has cared so much about the future as much as Brady has. Nobody has been more desiring of the Temple than Brady. Nobody is Brady.

"Think the best of each other.

Especially those you say you love.

Assume the good and doubt the bad.

True love beareth all things,

Believeth all things, Hopeth all things,

Endureth all things."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

My heart is so full tonight. It is so full of love for Brady. I would sacrifice everything for him. It is the most amazing feeling when you can say that to someone and you feel your heart jump, and your stomach flutter because the truth that you hear in those words means the world. I love Brady so very very much. Some may understand, others may not. And I obviously do not have a problem letting people know.

I just wanted to say how grateful I am for my Father in Heaven. For constantly listening to my prayers at night, some full of tears, some full of happiness I almost can't stay on my knees. I'm so grateful for his constant guidance, and knowing I am His Daughter. I am so grateful for this gospel, and for the knowledge I have that families can be together forever. I'm so grateful for the wonderful examples I have around me. It really means a lot.

I miss my sweetheart so much, but it won't be long before we're reunited, and I hope everyone is just dying for that day to come like I am ;) Love you very very much Brady. With my whole heart, to the moon and back. Forever.

Love is not proud. Love does not boast. Love after all, matters the most. Love does not run. Love does not hide. Love does not keep locked inside. Love is the river that flows through. Love never fails you. Love will sustain. Love will provide. Love will not cease at the end of time. Love will protect. Love always hopes. Love still believes when you don't. Love is the arms that are holding you. Love never fails you. When my heart won't make a sound. When I can't turn back around. When the sky is falling down. Nothing is greater than this, greater than this. Love is right here. Love is alive. Love is the way. The truth, the life. Love is the river than flows through. Love is the arms that are holding you. Love is the place you will fly to. Love never fails you.

B

My best friend had her baby girl on Tuesday, and I just went to visit her today, with my mama and sister. It was a good visit, and I'd missed my best friend lots. She looked like she was doing really well.

We have kind of decided B and Sawyer just might be boyf/girlf one day ;) But we'll see. Hahaha, anyway, it was so good to talk. And Austin takes such good care of my best friend and B. Seriously, she's so lucky to have him, and I'm so glad she does. She deserves him, and this beautiful baby girl. I'm so proud of my best friend and how she's doing. She really is such a great person and someone to turn to when you need a friend. She's been through a lot, both good and bad, but has always held her head high and that is something I admire (and try not to envy) about her. I just love her so much. So proud of her, and so happy for her that B is finally here :)

Now I hope she doesn't mind that I'm going to share one of my very favorite pictures of B.

Love you B. Even if I'm not biologically related to you, I still love you very much. Can't wait to watch you grow up :)

My 70th Letter

"I made a banoffee pie today! It's just a pie made with banana pieces and caramel. I can't wait to make it for you!"

"Are you still going to come to the airport?"

"I'm going to have to go to sleep right when I get home so I can try to avoid getting jet lag."

"Elder Peterson is such a good companion! He's so funny! We get along pretty well, probably the best I've ever gotten along with a companion. It's been great!"

"Babe...did you know that you're really cute?"

We are officially at 59 days left.

I'm getting so excited everyone.

I'm so excited to drink hot chocolate, catch up on movies he's missed, show him some awesome music! Take lots and lots and lots of pictures! Go see the lights at Temple Square, and at the Hogle Zoo! I'm excited to ice skating, or snowboarding, and just snuggle. I'm excited to hear his jokes. I'm excited to make meals together, and desserts! Yum! I'm excited to spend Christmas together! I'm excited for my new years kiss! ;) I'm excited to hear more stories of his mission. I'm excited to go to church with him, and the Temple!! :) Seriously, life is about to get real good.

Dos

2 Months ladies and gents.
2 Months until my sweetheart is home.

Next month will be the final countdown.

Is it real?
Is this really true?
I can't believe it's my turn.
It can't be.
Not yet.
I feel like I still have time left...
It keeps going faster.

In all honesty, the first year was straight up awful. It was so hard and so long and just dreadful. And this last year, has gone by SO fast.. In the blink of an eye! I can't believe just 2 months from today, my sweetheart will be stepping off an airplane to come see his family, and mine :) Oh I've never smiled so big. Oh I've never been so happy. I always cry. And it's usually cause I can't believe it, and I'm so happy, and so excited and nervous, but usually because of this. I really need to stop watching them. Seeing him cry is SO precious. But why isn't she crying? Hahahaha I prolly will, well, I know I will, be bawling my eyes out. I'm such a cry baby and so emotional, and just so excited :)

EEEEEEK :)
We're almost to the finish line ladies and gents.
Wish me luck and pray these next two months fly by even faster!!!
Love you so much babe!
I'll be seeing you soon :)

UTE NATION!!

24-21

Brady's aunt and uncle invited me, along with their friends and Brady's sister (Ashley.. lol) to the rival game today!! It has been like a dream to go to that game. I was so excited! I even went to Red Zone and bought a shirt so that I could be official, and I had my first pair of vans... and yes, they're red!! :) It was awesome! Mike gave me some stickers to put on my face for the finishing touch!

It was so good to see them again! It had been awhile. They're like the nicest people I've ever met!! We met up with some friends of Mike's and tailgated. Basically eating pizza, breadsticks and cookies with Ute fans surrounding is pretty stinkin' cool :) We headed over to the stadium that I hadn't been to since high school. It was so surreal. Seeing that many fans, seeing the small BYU section that we happened to be sitting in front of, was SO awesome! :) The game started off great! We made a touch down, and a field goal, we were up by 7, and then we made another touchdown. I'm being very careful to talk about the game itself because 1) I know nothing about football, 2) I don't want any weird comments on here and 3) because all that matters is that we won!!!! After that, BYU started catching up, there was some crazy calls for both teams. Everyone was SO frustrated with the refs. But whoever isn't?? Most hated people in the world.

24 - 7

Ashley, Me, Jody & Heather

It came down to the very last second and it was BYU's ball, they tried to pass, but we tackled them, the MUSS (student section) rushed the field while a "yellow flag" was thrown, for some stupid call (who even cares). So we let BYU try again, they try to kick it but we blocked it... and the MUSS rushed the field again... well, whatya know?? The REFS BLEW THE WHISTLE WITH ANOTHER YELLOW FLAG!! Saying that the fans rushed the field before the ball was down.... SERIOUS!!! Hahahaha by now I'm laughing *please stop being nice to BYU* and trying not to pee my pants at the same time. All the fans are now yelling at the ridiculously stupid MUSS section for risking the game!!! If we would have lost, it would have been on their heads... So we let BYU try again for the 3RD TIME!!! (Keep in mind, it's like midnight by now). Hahahaha, so he goes to kick it, dead silent, I'm watching the ball fly... and just praying it doesn't go in.. thinking it will.. and,

DING!

IT HITS THE FIELD GOAL POLE AND FLIES TO THE LEFT!!

UTE NATION STORMS THE FIELD AND WE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the best moment of my entire life.

Jody and I were just dying like the last 5 minutes. 

Hahahaha, it was seriously the best thing ever..

24-21

Greatest day of my entire life. I am SO proud to be a U fan. But I have to give it to the Y. They played a REALLY good game. Not gonna lie. No wonder they're the rival team. They're so good! :) Just not quite as good as my UTES BABY!!!! :) I had so much fun talking with Jody and her friend and just enjoying the game! Seriously, it was the greatest EVER. I have to start going every single year now. Even though next year is the last one for a while... OH WELL! :) 3 years in a row baby!!!

Thanks again Mike & Jody.. SO much fun :)

My 69th Letter

"Less than 80 days left!!"

"I'm not really nervous about coming home. I think it will make me quite sad to be leaving England, but I there the desire to see my Babe will overpower that!"

"iPhone? As if! I would never want one of those! ;) I have to see what a windows phone is like. If they're not good, I'll get something w/Android. But I'm not getting an iPhone. ;)"

"Thank you for sharing your testimony with me. My testimony wasn't very strong before I came on a mission, so I'm really glad I came! I've been able to see soooo many miracles since I came on me mission, and I've had so many great spiritual experiences!"

"I love you so much!"

66 Days!!!

Nervous Is An Understatement

I'm getting really nervous for Brady to come home. Like extremely nervous.

All I want to do is cry. And it makes me shake and feel panic. I'm just getting so restless in the night. It's literally taking over me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to see him. In fact, the crying part is because I can't believe this is almost over. This waiting is almost over. It's almost my turn to write a success story. It's almost my turn to be with the one I love again. A lot of the crying too, is because I just love him so much.

I still have doubt run through my mind, and that's why I'm getting nervous. I'm freaking out, and I have thoughts of "what if it doesn't work out?" "what if I don't get to see him for a few days after he gets back because he has to be with his family?" just a bunch of silly things, and I pray and pray and PRAY that I'll be comforted and that I can do this. I can make it to the very end. Ah, just makes me want to scream. makes me shiver and just close my eyes real tight. i'm so nervous.

I just want to cry and hug him. Someone please pinch me. Someone please pinch me. This can't be real. It can't really be my turn now. I feel like this is all a dream, like this is all made up. It can't be my real life.

I'm just nervous. I can't say it enough. I want to see him at the airport. I want to hug the crap out of him. I want to hold his hand and never let it go for the next..... infinity years. I don't want to leave his side, but he will prolly have to be set apart and then eat thanksgiving dinner with his family. But honestly, I don't care. I don't care if I just have to walk around like an awkward, extra person, just hanging with his family until I can snatch that hand in mind, and hold on forever, just like we did when we first met. I want to spend every living and breathing second of that weekend with him. I specifically asked for it off so him and I could spend time getting to know each other again.. so I'm just hoping that everything will turn out okay.

ah. i don't even really know what I'm saying right now.
I'm just nervous. and I can't say it enough.
makes me want to cry.
i get to see my sweetheart again you guys!!!!
I get to hug him.
I get to be with him.
i get to cry.
i get to stop waiting.
it'll all be over.
all my worries, hurt and hard times will not be faced alone.
I can share so much of my life with him.
FINALLY!!!
what a blessing.
i'm so lucky.
i'm so grateful.
he's mine.
omg.
i get to see him soon.
70 days.
ahhh.
i'm gonna go cry now.
thanks for reading.
if you did at all.
♥

NSPW 2012

September 6-16, 2012.

♥

Remember the NUHope Suicide Awareness Walk I went to last year? Well, I wasn't able to ask work off this year and so I can't make it :( I'm very sad, so hopefully Andy's parents will be able to take some pictures so that I can see. I'll definitely be wearing my shirt to support Andy that day.

It's National Suicide Prevention Week. And I cannot help but think of my sweet Andy this week. He has been on my mind a lot lately. Just thinking of him. I haven't been sad. I haven't been crying. I have kept living. But I have been thinking of him.

I miss him a lot. But not the way I used to. Last year I didn't have as much to say as the year before. And this year, I really don't have much to say. I was talking to my best friend the other day about it. How I feel I have moved on. I have let it go. I have faith in knowing I'll see him again someday. My memories are still there, but they aren't at the forefront of my mind anymore. Andy is so sweet and I miss his adorable smile. I miss him telling me that I could rest on his shoulder if I was tired, on our second day at EFY. I miss asking him a question about the play he took me to, every minute. I miss his family. They are still the sweetest people and I love staying in touch with them. I love seeing pictures of his beautiful daughter Jordyn getting so big. I see him in her, and I'm just sure she is like him.

He is just memories now. Pictures. Moments. Journals. All in a book that I feel I'm finally ready to close and put on the shelf. I feel proud of how far I've come. It was a VERY difficult time for me. This isn't something I would wish upon anyone in this world. But I'm okay. In fact, I'm great. I'm happy. Andy will always remain in those pictures. He'll always remain in those memories. He'll always remain in my heart, as that 16 year old boy that I loved so very much. I only and always wish to have seen him grow into the wonderful young man I knew he was. I wished I could have seen his life choices, and watch him grow. And though he's doing it in Heaven, we'll meet again one day.

The song God Be With You Until We Meet Again is a special one for me. When Andy and I were at EFY, the very last night we spent together, which I hold dear to my heart, our group walked outside, stood in a circle with out arms around each other, facing the Rexburg Temple, and we all sang God Be With You Until We Meet Again. If I only knew then, what I know now. How true that song is for me.

I'm a very song-related kind of person. I love having a song that goes with something. Whether it's a person, a memory, a story, an experience. You name it, if there's a song, I'm in love with it. Guaranteed. Miranda Lambert wrote this song called, "Over You." At first, I thought it was a love song, but the last verse struck me and made me realize it was about loss/death. She explains the song very well, and now I love the meaning.

“[The hook of the song] came from something Blake’s dad said,” notes Lambert. “He said, ‘You don’t ever get over it, you just get used to it.’ The hurt passes, but you don’t ever get over it.”

How true that line has been for me. Back to when I was explaining to my best friend how I've moved on, it all became very clear. It's okay. I feel it's okay. I feel like I can finally just let the memory go. It happened 3 years ago... She goes on to sing, "It really sinks in, ya know, when I see it, in stone." And it's true. No matter what I say or do, it always sinks in when I visit him. I can honestly say I'm ready to let Brady in on this. I'm ready to let him see what has been inside my heart. I'm ready to show him my sweet and loving Andy, and let him be apart of making myself whole again. So hopefully this winter, for Andy's birthday, Brady will share that special day with me.

I love you so much Andy. And as I think of you this week, I'll also be thinking of all those out there struggling with any sort of mental illness, frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc. And I only wish I could help every soul in this world understand that they matter. You're the reason I'm doing this. And I thank you for that.

See you someday soon Andy.
Watch over us, and I pray everyday for you and your family.

Just Let Me Cry

"When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me, I understood that there would be a chance that it would break. But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling, and I know in time He'll take the pain away, but for now just let me cry. 'Till every tear has fallen. Don't ask when, and don't ask why." - Hilary Weeks

I have felt so close to the Lord today. I love Him very much. I am so grateful to be His Daughter and for the knowledge I have that I will be with Him again one day. I'm so grateful for my friends and family, and my amazing boyfriend who keep me going to this day. This song is so deep and meaningful, and whatever I face in life, I know the Savior stands beside me. My testimony has indeed been strengthened today. ♥ I have a few struggles going on in my heart right now, and I simply feel nobody understands. I am feeling so overwhelmed by the Spirit today. Every time I go to cry, or go to complain, etc. I feel at a loss for words. Nothing will come out. I keep thinking about my Father in Heaven. I feel His love surrounding me. I know He is here with me.

"I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart wanna sing. So my tears are not a surrender, I'll feel that way again. But for now, for this moment, just let me cry. I know it's hard to see, but the pain I feel isn't going away today." - Hilary Weeks

This song is beautiful and has the exact words to how I'm feeling today. Sometimes I feel really bad about complaining to others. Or talking to them about my struggles, even if it's been days, weeks, months, years since the actual event. I'm a very attachable person. I'm fragile. But I'm strong. Yes, I hold onto things. Yes I have a hard time moving on. Yes, I struggle. But I'm human. God never said it would be easy. He only said it would be worth it. I'm grateful it's not easy. I'm grateful I have these trials. I'm grateful I am becoming stronger. I'm grateful that I'm being shaped into a strong Daughter of God. I love my Father in Heaven. I wasn't sure how to post this today. Or if I should even post at all. But I forget it's my blog, and I can share what I want. And today, I'm sharing the tender mercies of the Lord. I'm sharing that He didn't leave me standing alone. He was and still is with me through this day when I didn't think I could make it on my own. What a humbling day it has been, and I pray to have this feeling always. I am so blessed and so lucky.

I testify that our Father in Heaven loves us. I know He does. I know He is watching over us every single day. When we feel nobody, and I'm talking, not a single.soul. understands how we're feeling. He does. He truly does. He is our Father. If anyone knows us best, it's Him. We need to turn to him in times of trial. For He is our escape. He is our way to happiness. He is our way to better days. Our moment and time is now. And who better to walk with than Him? I love my Heavenly Father. So very, very much. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

"I WILL NOT FAIL THEE" - Derek Hegsted

You NEVER Check Your Religion At the Door!

NOT EVER!

So Elder Holland is pretty much the man.
He's amazing.
He gave a CES fireside tonight and boy, was it good.

It's always good. Elder Holland is one of my very favorites. I can't remember exactly which talk it was that changed my life and always made me remember him. I'm pretty sure it was his Book of Mormon talk. So much power in his testimony, such a great example. Something he said in his talk changed my life forever. I was in the stage of deciding whether or not I wanted the church in my life (if you can believe that.) So when I heard these words, it really got me thinking, "Am I in this or not? Am I going to serve the Lord or not? Am I going to declare what I know? Or let it all go to waste pretending it isn't true?" He said this:

"I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgment bar of God that I declared to the world … that the Book of Mormon is true."

Boom.
That was it.
That's all it took.
And ever since that moment, Elder Holland has always been my favorite. Every single talk he has ever given, has changed me for the better. I'm so grateful for him, his example, love and kindness and his guidance and how crazy in-tune with the Spirit he is.

So, one day (a year later) I decided to write him a letter. I got his address and wrote him a quick letter about the events that had been happening in my life this past year, (losing Andy, heartbreak, running, church, happiness, sadness, life, finishing the BOM, graduating, etc.) and told him how grateful I was to him, for changing my life. For giving me hope and encouragement to keep moving forward. And one Sunday, my roommate Katie texted me and said I had a special letter waiting for me when I got home from Church. I was beyond excited, when I got home, I looked at it, seeing it was from the church and immediately assumed it was something to do with my ward; aka-nothing important. But I turned the envelope over and it said, "From the Office of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland" and I about pee'd my pants!! Could this be true? Could this be real? So I opened it up, and this was inside:

Shut the front door. This is handwritten from Elder Holland. Basically one of my prized possessions. Hahahaha, silly I know. Anyway, I have it hanging up to see always.

One last thing before I finish this loooooong blog post.
There's this quote, from one of his AMAZING talks that I live by. That my best friend Ashley and I live by. I have it hanging up on my wall so I see it every day when I wake up. It's what gets me through. It's what keeps me going when I want to give up.

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

And there it is ladies and gents. Whenever I'm going through a hard time, I just think of that first line. I usually text Ashley and say, "Tell me I can't quit. I can't. Elder Holland said I can't quit. I have to keep going." And then she'll recite the quote to me, and we'll talk for a bit about how I can keep going. Hahaha it's kind of become our thing, our quote. Which I love. I love that her and I share the same love and admiration towards Elder Holland. Makes conference time fun!

Anyway, I wrote him another letter last year thanking him for this quote. Telling him how much it has changed my life and how important it is to me. It was a short, but sweet thank you note. I'm pretty much into writing the general authorities. Ask anyone. But I do it because they deserve to know that what they're doing is changing lives, and that we are truly grateful for them, as members of this Church. And one day, a package showed up at my door. From the officer of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I again, about pee'd my pants. And inside was this beautiful book. And of course, I already had my own copy but seeing a second copy from him was amazing, and I just started bawling when I saw this:

I literally started bawling.
The tears would not stop coming.

He's so amazing.
To take time out of his day,
and mail this to me, when I wasn't expecting ANYTHING in return.
To know that the Lord blesses us with leaders who truly are watching over us and think of us often. They are doing all they can to take care of our every single need. Oh how I treasure these things.

And finally, his CES fireside talk. It isn't online yet, just the video. But I highly recommend you watch it. The famous line is the title of this blog post. He talks of judgement, being a better person, a better example, accepting those around us, and standing for what we believe in. Not "checking our religion at the door." - and as always, says it so powerfully, and loud that it just gives you goose bumps.

I'm so grateful for this gospel, and for Elder Holland and all that he teaches.
Who's excited for conference??
ME!!!!!!
:]

My 68th Letter

"I love getting pictures from you babe!"

"I can't believe how close I am to coming home! I'm glad I'm going to be training, because it will definitely help me to stay focused, as well as help me continue to improve right up until the end. It will be a little bit more difficult, but I'm sure it will be fun at the same time."

"Babe! Guess what?! Only 2 more fast Sundays! :O I'm so excited!"

"Training has been really good so far. I hope we can see some success really soon, cause I really just want to help him build his faith."

"Love you so much Babe!"

He also sent me this picture.

No explanation.

But I think it's downright adorable.

Oh he is just so good looking.

I just want to hug him.

And kiss his cute cheek.

I can't believe we only have 73 days left.

♥

BYU For A Night

So, if anyone is aware.

I'm a Ute fan.

Brady is a Cougar fan.

We've known this since day one. It's never really gotten between us. I'm not a die-hard Ute fan, but Brady is for sure a die-hard Cougar fan. Hahahaha, I even remember the first time I ever saw him get upset was when BYU lost to the Utes the weekend before he left on his mission. He was mad because he wanted them to win before he left. Hahahaha, silly boy. There's plenty of more games for them to win. But I, on the other hand, was jumping up and down and cheering :) Hahaha

I have some hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to convert Brady to the good side. But for now, I'll let him cheer for blue. So, in honor of him, and just because he's so darn cute, and I miss him so much (still); I'm wearing his BYU pajamas!

He gave them to me when I moved to college when we were dating because they "didn't fit" him anymore. Hahahahaha silly silly. But hey, I'll take what I can get if it's Brady's! They're so comfy, and long and just the best pajama's ever. So, tonight and tonight only, it's a BYU kind of night.

Love you babe.

That Killer Smile

So I met this girl on FB.

Waiting For A Missionary Group.

She's so sweet.

She lives in England.

Specifically the Manchester Mission area.

So every now and then she'll ask me where he is.

And sometimes she has her friends find him for me.

Well, this friend of mine went on a 6-week mini-mission.

She served in the Manchester area, and I pretty much thought that was cool.

Little did I know she would find Mr. Ziegler for me.

And she did.

Let's take a look.

What a cutie.

Let's take a closer look at him.

Just so smiley.

:)

Melts my heart every time I see it.

Never gets old.

I asked her if she said anything and she said,

"He looked shocked. A bit confused as to why I wanted a picture with him. Then I told him I knew you and he said, oh okay! sure! He was just so smiley!" - Ohhhh. She's so lucky.

I can't wait to see the smile for myself soon.

77 Days folks.

But before I go,
let's see a few more pictures of my hottie boyfriend.

Over and out.