2 Years..

Whelp, here I am. Again. Finding myself writing a post. Each year on the 25th of October. For my sweet, loving Nathan Andrew Edgar.

I remember my mom telling me it took her a good 2-3 years before she stopped visiting her mother's grave site, and I can honestly say, I understand what she means. I won't be able to visit Andy's grave today, which sadden's me a little bit, but I'll be there for his birthday ♥

Remember this post? It had so much information, SO many memories and thoughts and feelings written into it, that I almost can't beat that today. I'm a little bit lost for words to be honest. I'm not sure what to say and what not to say. I hate repeating myself of things I've said before only because if I do that, I'll find myself not writing anything at all.

It's amazing to see how one grows in just one year. I cannot believe I felt all those emotions at that time. I remember thinking it was so insane that it had only been 1 year since he'd been gone, and here I am, calm and quiet at 2 years. I feel a little bit stronger today :) I carry on my life with other worries now... not that Andy isn't important anymore, he just doesn't consume my mind as much. Some days are still a struggle, and some days can really be bad. But most of my days, I have a smile on my face thanking God that I'm still on this Earth.

I haven't done a post about the NUHOPE Suicide Awareness Walk I went to. Andy's sister Amy told me about it, and my work was amazingly kind enough to let me attend. It was on September 24, 2011. It was in Ogden, so it was a pretty far drive. I got a little lost but luckily found my way :) Everyone was wearing red shirts (which happens to be one of Andy's colors.) So I was able to find them. I checked in, got my shirt, bracelet and sticker. I then saw Andy's family and went over to say hi. They all gave me hugs, and his dad informed me that his mother had a shirt for me. They were all wearing black shirts with Andy's rose on them. That shirt is like a prized possession for me. I absolutely love the thing to death and I'm keeping it forever.

Andy's Family

They then handed me this beautiful rose. And that's when I completely lost it.

Andy's beautiful daughter, Jordyn.

I got to meet Andy's daughter Jordyn. She is just beautiful. She's almost 2 and I cannot believe it. I remember when I found out that Andy had a daughter, I almost didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad, and I wasn't ashamed for him. I was concerned for his daughter and how her life was going to be without him. I know everyone does such a great job with taking care of her, and making sure she knows who he is.

I remember when she first pulled up to everyone, Andy's dad came around, with tears in his eyes and whispered to me, "That's Andy's daughter." I nodded my head and started to cry. I can't believe how real it was for me. So emotional and still so very real that he is gone. I'm so grateful I was able to meet her and her mother.

Anyway, we started the walk and it took about an hour. His family is just so kind, seriously so kind to me. They were asking me questions about me and my life, and what I had been up to since I last saw them. We've stayed in touch a few times so it was nice to see them again. I spoke with Andy's dad a lot and asked him how him and his family was doing and what they've been up to. They're doing really good and I'm so glad. I'm so grateful I was able to go to this event. It's amazing to know I'm not alone in this situation. Even though Andy was only a friend, and most people lost family, regardless it still matters to me. I still felt included, and I am definitely not alone.

The memory board.

Afterwards I had to go see his grave. I had to at least go say hi to Andy, say a prayer and then head home. His grave is just beautiful. It seriously never changes when I see it each time during the year. It still looks like him (and always will) and it still feels like he's there every time I go. The nice thing about the knowledge I have of the Spirit World being here on Earth, is knowing that Andy is still here on the Earth. Yeah, he's left his body. But he has not left this place. He's still here with me. He's still here with his family, his daughter, friends, cousins, etc. I'm so grateful. His mother mailed me a sticker of the "rose" because I saw that their family had one on their car. I'm going to put it on a piece of glass in a picture frame so I can keep it forever. I don't want to put it on my car just in case I got in an accident and I couldn't keep it :(

Overall, I miss Andy. I love him so much. And I always will. Nothing will ever change. My feelings will still be the same. The sting of the pain will still be there, just not as strong as the first day. I'll always blog about this. I'll always visit his grave. I'll always tell my story and help others. If anything, Andy's decision has helped me realize who I am, who I need to become and what my purpose is.

Helping others.

I've made the decision to become a School Counselor. With the help from many other aspects and opinions and praying, I feel like that's my best interest and choice for me. I want others to know (like I told Andy multiple times), they matter. They matter regardless what's going on in their life. Regardless if they're hated or loved. They matter and always will. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and the Plan of Salvation/Happiness. It brings me great comfort on days like today. If anything I have a very strong testimony of forever families. I almost lost mine 5 years ago. I can't imagine even losing just one person. Andy's family is so strong, and they're still going. They're still staying strong in the gospel and they're destined to see Andy again. I say this all the time, but when I get to Heaven, I hope he's the first face that I see (besides Christ and Heavenly Father). I hope I get to hug him and just cry, and smile. I really think of that day often, not that I'm ready to leave Earth, because I'm not, but because it brings me joy and happiness and confirms the truth of seeing our loved ones again.

Taylor Swift sang Back to December at her concert and it brought tears to my eyes, as did Rascal Flatts when they sang, What Hurts the Most. My song for Andy is still on Youtube for anyone to see.

I love you Andy. More than anything. I miss you as much as yesterday. Nothing has changed. I keep on doing things for you, and I keep on going for you. I'll see your bright, peaceful face one day, I promise. ♥

"You know that place between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." - Peter Pan