NSPW 2012

September 6-16, 2012.

♥

Remember the NUHope Suicide Awareness Walk I went to last year? Well, I wasn't able to ask work off this year and so I can't make it :( I'm very sad, so hopefully Andy's parents will be able to take some pictures so that I can see. I'll definitely be wearing my shirt to support Andy that day.

It's National Suicide Prevention Week. And I cannot help but think of my sweet Andy this week. He has been on my mind a lot lately. Just thinking of him. I haven't been sad. I haven't been crying. I have kept living. But I have been thinking of him.

I miss him a lot. But not the way I used to. Last year I didn't have as much to say as the year before. And this year, I really don't have much to say. I was talking to my best friend the other day about it. How I feel I have moved on. I have let it go. I have faith in knowing I'll see him again someday. My memories are still there, but they aren't at the forefront of my mind anymore. Andy is so sweet and I miss his adorable smile. I miss him telling me that I could rest on his shoulder if I was tired, on our second day at EFY. I miss asking him a question about the play he took me to, every minute. I miss his family. They are still the sweetest people and I love staying in touch with them. I love seeing pictures of his beautiful daughter Jordyn getting so big. I see him in her, and I'm just sure she is like him.

He is just memories now. Pictures. Moments. Journals. All in a book that I feel I'm finally ready to close and put on the shelf. I feel proud of how far I've come. It was a VERY difficult time for me. This isn't something I would wish upon anyone in this world. But I'm okay. In fact, I'm great. I'm happy. Andy will always remain in those pictures. He'll always remain in those memories. He'll always remain in my heart, as that 16 year old boy that I loved so very much. I only and always wish to have seen him grow into the wonderful young man I knew he was. I wished I could have seen his life choices, and watch him grow. And though he's doing it in Heaven, we'll meet again one day.

The song God Be With You Until We Meet Again is a special one for me. When Andy and I were at EFY, the very last night we spent together, which I hold dear to my heart, our group walked outside, stood in a circle with out arms around each other, facing the Rexburg Temple, and we all sang God Be With You Until We Meet Again. If I only knew then, what I know now. How true that song is for me.

I'm a very song-related kind of person. I love having a song that goes with something. Whether it's a person, a memory, a story, an experience. You name it, if there's a song, I'm in love with it. Guaranteed. Miranda Lambert wrote this song called, "Over You." At first, I thought it was a love song, but the last verse struck me and made me realize it was about loss/death. She explains the song very well, and now I love the meaning.

“[The hook of the song] came from something Blake’s dad said,” notes Lambert. “He said, ‘You don’t ever get over it, you just get used to it.’ The hurt passes, but you don’t ever get over it.”

How true that line has been for me. Back to when I was explaining to my best friend how I've moved on, it all became very clear. It's okay. I feel it's okay. I feel like I can finally just let the memory go. It happened 3 years ago... She goes on to sing, "It really sinks in, ya know, when I see it, in stone." And it's true. No matter what I say or do, it always sinks in when I visit him. I can honestly say I'm ready to let Brady in on this. I'm ready to let him see what has been inside my heart. I'm ready to show him my sweet and loving Andy, and let him be apart of making myself whole again. So hopefully this winter, for Andy's birthday, Brady will share that special day with me.

I love you so much Andy. And as I think of you this week, I'll also be thinking of all those out there struggling with any sort of mental illness, frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc. And I only wish I could help every soul in this world understand that they matter. You're the reason I'm doing this. And I thank you for that.

See you someday soon Andy.
Watch over us, and I pray everyday for you and your family.