NSPW

This week has kind of been pretty hard yet special for me.

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day and this week was National Suicide Prevention Week.

I can't believe it's almost been two years. TWO YEARS. Since my Andy joined Heavenly Father. Sometimes I feel awful for blogging about this because some people don't think it should be posted online, or some people are uncomfortable with reading about this stuff. Some people can't relate, or they just simply don't care.

I don't know what it is about him, but no matter what triggers ANYTHING about him, I instantly go into "miss you" mode. It can be annoying at times because there are days where I get really sad, and other days where I get sad but only because I miss him. Well, there is this group on facebook that his friends set up (which I asked to join, cause I'd sure love to and to meet those he knew) but something triggered, and I felt like he just left yesterday. That same awful, stinging pain was in my heart again. Tears were coming, and I knew I couldn't hold it in. I drove out to my friend's house later that night and the drive was just what I needed. It's always weird going to her house because she lives just blocks away from his grave, and I had no idea until I started driving around and recognized where I was. It was peaceful, and I could listen to comforting music on the way. There were finally tears, but I said a prayer in my heart to help me get through this and make it to her house safely.

We went and got yogurt, and just talked about memories with our missionary. It was fun and I'm so glad I went. It distracted me. But today and well.. everyday since I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. I went to the Rascal Flatts concert Friday night and that group changed my life. I did a song for my ASL Project my senior year, in Andy's behalf. See it here. It was really good for me. I am ever grateful for Rascal Flatts and their decision to make the song and put it on their CD. I heard it on the radio for so long, and I never understood the meaning so I always hated listening to it. Then one day something happened. I can't exactly explain but I just understood. The lyrics entered into my brain and I knew exactly what they were talking about. I spoke with my friend Sam about it (who also knew Andy really well) and so it just became a song to me that meant everything. Taylor Swift also sings a song that explains my situation with Andy and a lot of the reason why I still grieve to this day. Listen to it here. Both artists are my favorite :)

Anywho, I just really miss Andy. Like I almost can't explain. I can blog all I want about him, and my feelings and how I still miss him. Share all the photos I have of him, and keep talking about how hard it is, but he is one of the things I keep bottled up inside until I explode (like the other night.) Life is so hard, but then there is a song called Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney and as I listened to it on the way to school this morning, a part of that song stuck out to me.

"The only thing that gives me hope,
is I know, I'll see you again someday."

Sometimes I just feel like I don't even matter. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't be as important to Andy if I saw him today. He has so many other close friends that I'm sure just are having a worse time than me. I had a hard time in grief group in high school because everyone that lost someone, it was family, and there I was with a friend. I just felt like I didn't deserve to be in that group because I couldn't relate as well. But then I remember about things that Andy would say to me. That are so special, and that I hold very dear to my heart. Yeah I have my hard days, and someday's I just want to scream for him to come hug me. Sometimes I just want to see him or hear in my ear that he's doing okay. I feel like a lot has happened in two years, and I'm not the same girl I used to be... I can't believe life just goes on, but it's going to continue to go on.. and I have to make the best of it... for Andy, for my Heavenly Father, for myself. I only get one shot... so here's to you my sweet Andy. I love and miss you more than you'll ever know.

"I loved you once.
I love you still.
I always have.
I always will."

♥

In one of Rascal Flatts' songs he sings, "If you can’t cope. I will dry your eyes. I will fight your fight. I will hold you tight. And I wont let go." - They sang that song as their last song at their concert last night and I couldn't help but be touched by those lyrics. Andy, I promise I will fight your fight. I will get the word out and help those in need. I will spread your story and let others know they're not alone, and that I'm there to stand by them, and not let go. Andy I miss you so much words couldn't do justice. Because of you, music has been more inspiring to me than it ever has before, and I thank you for that. I love you with every beat of my heart.