Nervous Is An Understatement

I'm getting really nervous for Brady to come home. Like extremely nervous.

All I want to do is cry. And it makes me shake and feel panic. I'm just getting so restless in the night. It's literally taking over me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to see him. In fact, the crying part is because I can't believe this is almost over. This waiting is almost over. It's almost my turn to write a success story. It's almost my turn to be with the one I love again. A lot of the crying too, is because I just love him so much.

I still have doubt run through my mind, and that's why I'm getting nervous. I'm freaking out, and I have thoughts of "what if it doesn't work out?" "what if I don't get to see him for a few days after he gets back because he has to be with his family?" just a bunch of silly things, and I pray and pray and PRAY that I'll be comforted and that I can do this. I can make it to the very end. Ah, just makes me want to scream. makes me shiver and just close my eyes real tight. i'm so nervous.

I just want to cry and hug him. Someone please pinch me. Someone please pinch me. This can't be real. It can't really be my turn now. I feel like this is all a dream, like this is all made up. It can't be my real life.

I'm just nervous. I can't say it enough. I want to see him at the airport. I want to hug the crap out of him. I want to hold his hand and never let it go for the next..... infinity years. I don't want to leave his side, but he will prolly have to be set apart and then eat thanksgiving dinner with his family. But honestly, I don't care. I don't care if I just have to walk around like an awkward, extra person, just hanging with his family until I can snatch that hand in mind, and hold on forever, just like we did when we first met. I want to spend every living and breathing second of that weekend with him. I specifically asked for it off so him and I could spend time getting to know each other again.. so I'm just hoping that everything will turn out okay.

ah. i don't even really know what I'm saying right now.
I'm just nervous. and I can't say it enough.
makes me want to cry.
i get to see my sweetheart again you guys!!!!
I get to hug him.
I get to be with him.
i get to cry.
i get to stop waiting.
it'll all be over.
all my worries, hurt and hard times will not be faced alone.
I can share so much of my life with him.
FINALLY!!!
what a blessing.
i'm so lucky.
i'm so grateful.
he's mine.
omg.
i get to see him soon.
70 days.
ahhh.
i'm gonna go cry now.
thanks for reading.
if you did at all.
♥

NSPW 2012

September 6-16, 2012.

♥

Remember the NUHope Suicide Awareness Walk I went to last year? Well, I wasn't able to ask work off this year and so I can't make it :( I'm very sad, so hopefully Andy's parents will be able to take some pictures so that I can see. I'll definitely be wearing my shirt to support Andy that day.

It's National Suicide Prevention Week. And I cannot help but think of my sweet Andy this week. He has been on my mind a lot lately. Just thinking of him. I haven't been sad. I haven't been crying. I have kept living. But I have been thinking of him.

I miss him a lot. But not the way I used to. Last year I didn't have as much to say as the year before. And this year, I really don't have much to say. I was talking to my best friend the other day about it. How I feel I have moved on. I have let it go. I have faith in knowing I'll see him again someday. My memories are still there, but they aren't at the forefront of my mind anymore. Andy is so sweet and I miss his adorable smile. I miss him telling me that I could rest on his shoulder if I was tired, on our second day at EFY. I miss asking him a question about the play he took me to, every minute. I miss his family. They are still the sweetest people and I love staying in touch with them. I love seeing pictures of his beautiful daughter Jordyn getting so big. I see him in her, and I'm just sure she is like him.

He is just memories now. Pictures. Moments. Journals. All in a book that I feel I'm finally ready to close and put on the shelf. I feel proud of how far I've come. It was a VERY difficult time for me. This isn't something I would wish upon anyone in this world. But I'm okay. In fact, I'm great. I'm happy. Andy will always remain in those pictures. He'll always remain in those memories. He'll always remain in my heart, as that 16 year old boy that I loved so very much. I only and always wish to have seen him grow into the wonderful young man I knew he was. I wished I could have seen his life choices, and watch him grow. And though he's doing it in Heaven, we'll meet again one day.

The song God Be With You Until We Meet Again is a special one for me. When Andy and I were at EFY, the very last night we spent together, which I hold dear to my heart, our group walked outside, stood in a circle with out arms around each other, facing the Rexburg Temple, and we all sang God Be With You Until We Meet Again. If I only knew then, what I know now. How true that song is for me.

I'm a very song-related kind of person. I love having a song that goes with something. Whether it's a person, a memory, a story, an experience. You name it, if there's a song, I'm in love with it. Guaranteed. Miranda Lambert wrote this song called, "Over You." At first, I thought it was a love song, but the last verse struck me and made me realize it was about loss/death. She explains the song very well, and now I love the meaning.

“[The hook of the song] came from something Blake’s dad said,” notes Lambert. “He said, ‘You don’t ever get over it, you just get used to it.’ The hurt passes, but you don’t ever get over it.”

How true that line has been for me. Back to when I was explaining to my best friend how I've moved on, it all became very clear. It's okay. I feel it's okay. I feel like I can finally just let the memory go. It happened 3 years ago... She goes on to sing, "It really sinks in, ya know, when I see it, in stone." And it's true. No matter what I say or do, it always sinks in when I visit him. I can honestly say I'm ready to let Brady in on this. I'm ready to let him see what has been inside my heart. I'm ready to show him my sweet and loving Andy, and let him be apart of making myself whole again. So hopefully this winter, for Andy's birthday, Brady will share that special day with me.

I love you so much Andy. And as I think of you this week, I'll also be thinking of all those out there struggling with any sort of mental illness, frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc. And I only wish I could help every soul in this world understand that they matter. You're the reason I'm doing this. And I thank you for that.

See you someday soon Andy.
Watch over us, and I pray everyday for you and your family.

Just Let Me Cry

"When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me, I understood that there would be a chance that it would break. But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling, and I know in time He'll take the pain away, but for now just let me cry. 'Till every tear has fallen. Don't ask when, and don't ask why." - Hilary Weeks

I have felt so close to the Lord today. I love Him very much. I am so grateful to be His Daughter and for the knowledge I have that I will be with Him again one day. I'm so grateful for my friends and family, and my amazing boyfriend who keep me going to this day. This song is so deep and meaningful, and whatever I face in life, I know the Savior stands beside me. My testimony has indeed been strengthened today. ♥ I have a few struggles going on in my heart right now, and I simply feel nobody understands. I am feeling so overwhelmed by the Spirit today. Every time I go to cry, or go to complain, etc. I feel at a loss for words. Nothing will come out. I keep thinking about my Father in Heaven. I feel His love surrounding me. I know He is here with me.

"I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart wanna sing. So my tears are not a surrender, I'll feel that way again. But for now, for this moment, just let me cry. I know it's hard to see, but the pain I feel isn't going away today." - Hilary Weeks

This song is beautiful and has the exact words to how I'm feeling today. Sometimes I feel really bad about complaining to others. Or talking to them about my struggles, even if it's been days, weeks, months, years since the actual event. I'm a very attachable person. I'm fragile. But I'm strong. Yes, I hold onto things. Yes I have a hard time moving on. Yes, I struggle. But I'm human. God never said it would be easy. He only said it would be worth it. I'm grateful it's not easy. I'm grateful I have these trials. I'm grateful I am becoming stronger. I'm grateful that I'm being shaped into a strong Daughter of God. I love my Father in Heaven. I wasn't sure how to post this today. Or if I should even post at all. But I forget it's my blog, and I can share what I want. And today, I'm sharing the tender mercies of the Lord. I'm sharing that He didn't leave me standing alone. He was and still is with me through this day when I didn't think I could make it on my own. What a humbling day it has been, and I pray to have this feeling always. I am so blessed and so lucky.

I testify that our Father in Heaven loves us. I know He does. I know He is watching over us every single day. When we feel nobody, and I'm talking, not a single.soul. understands how we're feeling. He does. He truly does. He is our Father. If anyone knows us best, it's Him. We need to turn to him in times of trial. For He is our escape. He is our way to happiness. He is our way to better days. Our moment and time is now. And who better to walk with than Him? I love my Heavenly Father. So very, very much. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

"I WILL NOT FAIL THEE" - Derek Hegsted

You NEVER Check Your Religion At the Door!

NOT EVER!

So Elder Holland is pretty much the man.
He's amazing.
He gave a CES fireside tonight and boy, was it good.

It's always good. Elder Holland is one of my very favorites. I can't remember exactly which talk it was that changed my life and always made me remember him. I'm pretty sure it was his Book of Mormon talk. So much power in his testimony, such a great example. Something he said in his talk changed my life forever. I was in the stage of deciding whether or not I wanted the church in my life (if you can believe that.) So when I heard these words, it really got me thinking, "Am I in this or not? Am I going to serve the Lord or not? Am I going to declare what I know? Or let it all go to waste pretending it isn't true?" He said this:

"I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgment bar of God that I declared to the world … that the Book of Mormon is true."

Boom.
That was it.
That's all it took.
And ever since that moment, Elder Holland has always been my favorite. Every single talk he has ever given, has changed me for the better. I'm so grateful for him, his example, love and kindness and his guidance and how crazy in-tune with the Spirit he is.

So, one day (a year later) I decided to write him a letter. I got his address and wrote him a quick letter about the events that had been happening in my life this past year, (losing Andy, heartbreak, running, church, happiness, sadness, life, finishing the BOM, graduating, etc.) and told him how grateful I was to him, for changing my life. For giving me hope and encouragement to keep moving forward. And one Sunday, my roommate Katie texted me and said I had a special letter waiting for me when I got home from Church. I was beyond excited, when I got home, I looked at it, seeing it was from the church and immediately assumed it was something to do with my ward; aka-nothing important. But I turned the envelope over and it said, "From the Office of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland" and I about pee'd my pants!! Could this be true? Could this be real? So I opened it up, and this was inside:

Shut the front door. This is handwritten from Elder Holland. Basically one of my prized possessions. Hahahaha, silly I know. Anyway, I have it hanging up to see always.

One last thing before I finish this loooooong blog post.
There's this quote, from one of his AMAZING talks that I live by. That my best friend Ashley and I live by. I have it hanging up on my wall so I see it every day when I wake up. It's what gets me through. It's what keeps me going when I want to give up.

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”

And there it is ladies and gents. Whenever I'm going through a hard time, I just think of that first line. I usually text Ashley and say, "Tell me I can't quit. I can't. Elder Holland said I can't quit. I have to keep going." And then she'll recite the quote to me, and we'll talk for a bit about how I can keep going. Hahaha it's kind of become our thing, our quote. Which I love. I love that her and I share the same love and admiration towards Elder Holland. Makes conference time fun!

Anyway, I wrote him another letter last year thanking him for this quote. Telling him how much it has changed my life and how important it is to me. It was a short, but sweet thank you note. I'm pretty much into writing the general authorities. Ask anyone. But I do it because they deserve to know that what they're doing is changing lives, and that we are truly grateful for them, as members of this Church. And one day, a package showed up at my door. From the officer of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. I again, about pee'd my pants. And inside was this beautiful book. And of course, I already had my own copy but seeing a second copy from him was amazing, and I just started bawling when I saw this:

I literally started bawling.
The tears would not stop coming.

He's so amazing.
To take time out of his day,
and mail this to me, when I wasn't expecting ANYTHING in return.
To know that the Lord blesses us with leaders who truly are watching over us and think of us often. They are doing all they can to take care of our every single need. Oh how I treasure these things.

And finally, his CES fireside talk. It isn't online yet, just the video. But I highly recommend you watch it. The famous line is the title of this blog post. He talks of judgement, being a better person, a better example, accepting those around us, and standing for what we believe in. Not "checking our religion at the door." - and as always, says it so powerfully, and loud that it just gives you goose bumps.

I'm so grateful for this gospel, and for Elder Holland and all that he teaches.
Who's excited for conference??
ME!!!!!!
:]

My 68th Letter

"I love getting pictures from you babe!"

"I can't believe how close I am to coming home! I'm glad I'm going to be training, because it will definitely help me to stay focused, as well as help me continue to improve right up until the end. It will be a little bit more difficult, but I'm sure it will be fun at the same time."

"Babe! Guess what?! Only 2 more fast Sundays! :O I'm so excited!"

"Training has been really good so far. I hope we can see some success really soon, cause I really just want to help him build his faith."

"Love you so much Babe!"

He also sent me this picture.

No explanation.

But I think it's downright adorable.

Oh he is just so good looking.

I just want to hug him.

And kiss his cute cheek.

I can't believe we only have 73 days left.

♥

BYU For A Night

So, if anyone is aware.

I'm a Ute fan.

Brady is a Cougar fan.

We've known this since day one. It's never really gotten between us. I'm not a die-hard Ute fan, but Brady is for sure a die-hard Cougar fan. Hahahaha, I even remember the first time I ever saw him get upset was when BYU lost to the Utes the weekend before he left on his mission. He was mad because he wanted them to win before he left. Hahahaha, silly boy. There's plenty of more games for them to win. But I, on the other hand, was jumping up and down and cheering :) Hahaha

I have some hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to convert Brady to the good side. But for now, I'll let him cheer for blue. So, in honor of him, and just because he's so darn cute, and I miss him so much (still); I'm wearing his BYU pajamas!

He gave them to me when I moved to college when we were dating because they "didn't fit" him anymore. Hahahahaha silly silly. But hey, I'll take what I can get if it's Brady's! They're so comfy, and long and just the best pajama's ever. So, tonight and tonight only, it's a BYU kind of night.

Love you babe.

That Killer Smile

So I met this girl on FB.

Waiting For A Missionary Group.

She's so sweet.

She lives in England.

Specifically the Manchester Mission area.

So every now and then she'll ask me where he is.

And sometimes she has her friends find him for me.

Well, this friend of mine went on a 6-week mini-mission.

She served in the Manchester area, and I pretty much thought that was cool.

Little did I know she would find Mr. Ziegler for me.

And she did.

Let's take a look.

What a cutie.

Let's take a closer look at him.

Just so smiley.

:)

Melts my heart every time I see it.

Never gets old.

I asked her if she said anything and she said,

"He looked shocked. A bit confused as to why I wanted a picture with him. Then I told him I knew you and he said, oh okay! sure! He was just so smiley!" - Ohhhh. She's so lucky.

I can't wait to see the smile for myself soon.

77 Days folks.

But before I go,
let's see a few more pictures of my hottie boyfriend.

Over and out.