Carving Pumpkins 2011

I'm a little late for this post, but Wednesday night my family decided to carve pumpkins! :) It was fun! We watched the Nightmare Before Christmas while carving and then took pictures! :) It's been a long time since I've carved since it just grosses me out, but this year I just made myself do it.

I just love Halloween! :) It's such a fun time of the year! So sad to see fall come and go already :(

My Beautiful Heartbreak's

A lot of people have been blogging about Hilary Weeks' new song called Beautiful Heartbreak. Her album came out yesterday and I was just so happy :) So I thought with all these inspirational posts around me, I'd do one myself, and thank everyone for their encouraging words lately.

First I read my friend Becca's blog post. She is such an amazing lady. She's actually my best friend's sister-in-law. Haha, I just stumbled upon her blog once, but boy am I glad I did. She is such a great example to me. Sometimes I swear her words are straight from Heavenly Father. In that blog post she mentions how her and her husband went straight to praying after submitting an application for the husband's schooling, thanking Heavenly Father for leading them this way. I mean, an application! Why didn't I think of that? In fact, why am I not doing that? Not that it's a bad idea, or that I'm (or them) a bad person for doing/not doing it, but I never ever would think of doing that. I should be on my knee's more than I even dream of being. I know nobody is perfect, and I'm not trying to be perfect, or make anyone out to be perfect. I'm just simply stating how grateful I am, that Becca is a constant example and her blog posts are constant reminders of how important prayer needs to be in my life. It's been such a struggle for me since I was younger. I need to change that.

Following Becca's post, I ran into Elise's post! This girl is just flat out awesome :) She wrote about accepting herself the way she is. Now this is just something that I struggle with, entirely. I struggle with accepting the way my physical appearance is such as weight, hair color, eye makeup, clothing, fingernails, earrings, hair style, etc. It's always been pressure on me. I've been trying really hard lately to just accept myself for who I am. God created me this way so why do I feel so awful about it? Why do I look at myself in disgust when I'm a masterpiece of God? I'm one of the greatest creations, and I can't even smile about it. My Savior and Heavenly Father loves me for who I am. They love me for the outward appearance and especially my inward appearance. I truly need to work on my heart and then it'll show on the outside.

Now onto that song I was telling you about. It's beautiful. Hilary Weeks is one of my all time favorites. I always feel like blog posts like these make my blog boring because they're so long and no pictures, but this is sort of my journal, I post what I feel. Anyway, I like how she talks about Heavenly Father turning these hard times into beautiful heartbreaks. They're teaching us something. They are ours and only ours. Nobody else's. We promised Heavenly Father we'd endure them, and we will do so. I'm grateful for gospel singers and the songs they write and produce because if it weren't for some, I'd never make it through the days. So without further ado, listen to it :)






I've had my fair share of heartbreaks. Boys, friends, school, family, work, church. And none of them have been easy. In fact, there are so many that I could just point out on the dot, and some I have to really remember. Either way, they're all heartbreaks. Sometimes it can take up to years for me before I finally feel officially moved on and can look back with no pain, but very rarely does it happen soon after the event. Sometimes I can get really sad, and at times, it's pretty tough to get through. I always hate it because sometimes I don't want to do anything, I just can't do anything. Mentally, emotionally, physically... I feel like I work on myself too hard and then it just breaks underneath my feet... like maybe I'm not tough enough for those situations. Maybe I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have made the decisions I did.... but I did them anyway, because I'm not going to let it stop me from living. I hope someone can love me for me, and my sadness. I hope someone can endure it with me, so I'm not alone when I feel I am. Being sad is truly one of my beautiful heartbreaks. Sounds contradicting, I know, but the Lord entrusted it to me, and I'll take. Beautiful or ugly.

2 Years..

Whelp, here I am. Again. Finding myself writing a post. Each year on the 25th of October. For my sweet, loving Nathan Andrew Edgar.

I remember my mom telling me it took her a good 2-3 years before she stopped visiting her mother's grave site, and I can honestly say, I understand what she means. I won't be able to visit Andy's grave today, which sadden's me a little bit, but I'll be there for his birthday ♥

Remember this post? It had so much information, SO many memories and thoughts and feelings written into it, that I almost can't beat that today. I'm a little bit lost for words to be honest. I'm not sure what to say and what not to say. I hate repeating myself of things I've said before only because if I do that, I'll find myself not writing anything at all.

It's amazing to see how one grows in just one year. I cannot believe I felt all those emotions at that time. I remember thinking it was so insane that it had only been 1 year since he'd been gone, and here I am, calm and quiet at 2 years. I feel a little bit stronger today :) I carry on my life with other worries now... not that Andy isn't important anymore, he just doesn't consume my mind as much. Some days are still a struggle, and some days can really be bad. But most of my days, I have a smile on my face thanking God that I'm still on this Earth.

I haven't done a post about the NUHOPE Suicide Awareness Walk I went to. Andy's sister Amy told me about it, and my work was amazingly kind enough to let me attend. It was on September 24, 2011. It was in Ogden, so it was a pretty far drive. I got a little lost but luckily found my way :) Everyone was wearing red shirts (which happens to be one of Andy's colors.) So I was able to find them. I checked in, got my shirt, bracelet and sticker. I then saw Andy's family and went over to say hi. They all gave me hugs, and his dad informed me that his mother had a shirt for me. They were all wearing black shirts with Andy's rose on them. That shirt is like a prized possession for me. I absolutely love the thing to death and I'm keeping it forever.

Andy's Family

They then handed me this beautiful rose. And that's when I completely lost it.

Andy's beautiful daughter, Jordyn.

I got to meet Andy's daughter Jordyn. She is just beautiful. She's almost 2 and I cannot believe it. I remember when I found out that Andy had a daughter, I almost didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad, and I wasn't ashamed for him. I was concerned for his daughter and how her life was going to be without him. I know everyone does such a great job with taking care of her, and making sure she knows who he is.

I remember when she first pulled up to everyone, Andy's dad came around, with tears in his eyes and whispered to me, "That's Andy's daughter." I nodded my head and started to cry. I can't believe how real it was for me. So emotional and still so very real that he is gone. I'm so grateful I was able to meet her and her mother.

Anyway, we started the walk and it took about an hour. His family is just so kind, seriously so kind to me. They were asking me questions about me and my life, and what I had been up to since I last saw them. We've stayed in touch a few times so it was nice to see them again. I spoke with Andy's dad a lot and asked him how him and his family was doing and what they've been up to. They're doing really good and I'm so glad. I'm so grateful I was able to go to this event. It's amazing to know I'm not alone in this situation. Even though Andy was only a friend, and most people lost family, regardless it still matters to me. I still felt included, and I am definitely not alone.

The memory board.

Afterwards I had to go see his grave. I had to at least go say hi to Andy, say a prayer and then head home. His grave is just beautiful. It seriously never changes when I see it each time during the year. It still looks like him (and always will) and it still feels like he's there every time I go. The nice thing about the knowledge I have of the Spirit World being here on Earth, is knowing that Andy is still here on the Earth. Yeah, he's left his body. But he has not left this place. He's still here with me. He's still here with his family, his daughter, friends, cousins, etc. I'm so grateful. His mother mailed me a sticker of the "rose" because I saw that their family had one on their car. I'm going to put it on a piece of glass in a picture frame so I can keep it forever. I don't want to put it on my car just in case I got in an accident and I couldn't keep it :(

Overall, I miss Andy. I love him so much. And I always will. Nothing will ever change. My feelings will still be the same. The sting of the pain will still be there, just not as strong as the first day. I'll always blog about this. I'll always visit his grave. I'll always tell my story and help others. If anything, Andy's decision has helped me realize who I am, who I need to become and what my purpose is.

Helping others.

I've made the decision to become a School Counselor. With the help from many other aspects and opinions and praying, I feel like that's my best interest and choice for me. I want others to know (like I told Andy multiple times), they matter. They matter regardless what's going on in their life. Regardless if they're hated or loved. They matter and always will. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and the Plan of Salvation/Happiness. It brings me great comfort on days like today. If anything I have a very strong testimony of forever families. I almost lost mine 5 years ago. I can't imagine even losing just one person. Andy's family is so strong, and they're still going. They're still staying strong in the gospel and they're destined to see Andy again. I say this all the time, but when I get to Heaven, I hope he's the first face that I see (besides Christ and Heavenly Father). I hope I get to hug him and just cry, and smile. I really think of that day often, not that I'm ready to leave Earth, because I'm not, but because it brings me joy and happiness and confirms the truth of seeing our loved ones again.

Taylor Swift sang Back to December at her concert and it brought tears to my eyes, as did Rascal Flatts when they sang, What Hurts the Most. My song for Andy is still on Youtube for anyone to see.

I love you Andy. More than anything. I miss you as much as yesterday. Nothing has changed. I keep on doing things for you, and I keep on going for you. I'll see your bright, peaceful face one day, I promise. ♥

"You know that place between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." - Peter Pan

Stake Conference 2011

Yesterday was Stake conference AND Regional Conference. Our Stake Conference was being held at the Conference Center, and all the YSA's were lucky enough to attend the session DOWNTOWN :) Awesome right? Totally!

Anyway, I went with my best friend Abby. It was a blast! We got there just a tad late, but luckily it hadn't started yet. (People were still coming in at 11:00!! An hour late!!! It was amazing.) We sat on the Terrace, so the second balcony. It was wonderful. I was so shocked and surprised when I heard that my idol, Sister Elaine S. Dalton would be speaking, as well as Elder David A. Bednar, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles!!!! It was so neat! Their talks were both so amazing, as always! It was such a beautiful day! :) We ended up walking across the street to Temple Square to take pictures with all the other Mormon's. It looked like General Conference because so many people just flooded out of the building and all went across the street! Hehehe, it was awesome :) Anyway, so we took some pictures with the Temple and what not, and then we left!

Yes, I did take this picture.

Thriller!

Saturday night a bunch of girls went to Thriller :) Well those girls were my family. We had my mom, sisters and I. Sister-in-law, Aunt Vickie, Aunt Tamsin, Aunt Tonya, Aunt Lisa, Cousin Skye, Cousin Chelsie, Cousin Tia, Cousin Krista, and neighbor friend Vanessa! So a total of 14 girls!! :O It was a HUGE group! Yet SO much fun!!! :)

My mom, SIL and sisters all went to Zupas before the show, baby came along :) He just destroyed everything in front of him (almost). And then we headed to the Trax to meet up with everyone. My dad was kind enough to take pictures of the group, so I'll show some below. We left Evan with his first babysitter. It was extremely weird and there was my whole family there telling her all these things about who to call or how to take care of him or what toy he likes best and how to work the tv. Hahaha poor girl prolly didn't remember any... It was sad leaving him, but he's getting big! (8 months on Wednesday!!! :O..)

We got downtown by 7:15 and got inside just in time for the show to start. It was wonderful! They do the same dances each year but it's still fun to go! :) We got out at about 10:00 and walked to the Trax Station by like, 10:20 and read a sign saying that the last red-line train came by at 10:08. So then we all started freaking out because we thought we missed the train!! BUT, then we found out (from a UofU student), that there was still one more train coming. Luckily we made it back to our cars. We then headed over to Village Inn for some pie, and late-night food :) Yumm!! Then we headed home! It was so fun! I'm so glad everyone was able to come! Hopefully we'll start doing this every year :)

Scary faces!

12 Years :)

So my best friend and I.

Abby ( :

Hangout a lot.

She's been my best friend for.....

12 years+

She is the best. Sorry, but she's better than your best friend.

She is my other half.

We finish each others sentences.

We say the same thing at the same time.

We have 2 different conversations to each other at the same time.

We laugh and talk weird with each other.

"Be Logical" is our motto.

We give each other the same advice every single day.

We party hard in cars with the windows down and the music up.
We went on Trek together.
We were tent buddies for girls camp.
We went to the Day of Celebration & Temple Celebration together.

We go to church together (since we were 7).

We got baptized on the same day.

Took drivers ed together.

Went in to young women's together.

Got our pb's at the same time.

Both Laurel President.

Both born in the same hospital.

I was born on August 13, and she was born on August 31.

Same year. Freaky eh??

So you get the picture, we're pretty much the same.

Things kinda went different directions as we got older.

I went into 7th grade when she was still in 6th.

I went into 10th grade when she was still in 9th.

We had separate friends. Separate classes, etc.

But whenever we got together, it was like no time had passed at all. We laugh and giggle and talk and tell endless stories. We update each other on our lives. We were in "cycle" class at church. Meaning, we walked around the church all throughout Sunday school just to catch up on each others' lives before Sacrament and then heading home. But things have changed now.

Abby and I are closer than ever. We talk every single day. We hangout pretty much everyday. We do everything together. It's so amazing how close we've stayed all this time (like none has passed) and yet we're still getting closer as the times go on. I love Abby to death. She's gorgeous and smart, and hilarious, and the only kind of Abby out there. She just gets me. She gets my thoughts, my feelings, my trials, my victories, my smiles, my sads, my crushes and my heartbreaks. She's like my twin sent from Heaven. We're each others "forever friend," sometimes Abby will tell me that Heavenly Father let us go down to Earth in the same month to the same hospital so that one day we'd meet so we could be best friends. And with the connection we have, sometimes I swear we were best friends in Heaven. Abby is my chlabb. My pal. My best friend. Abby I love you lots darling, and I hope we stay close forever. ♥

Isn't my best friend gorgeous?? :)

AND hilarious!

Change

Yup. I did it. I cut my hair.