Carving Pumpkins 2012

Looks like everyone carved pumpkins tonight :) I love Halloween, but is it sad that I'm glad it isn't as big of a holiday as Christmas?? I cannot wait for Christmas! I'm so excited!! Anyway, back to Halloween. We had family over tonight to have sloppy-joes and carve pumpkins. I haven't had a sloppy-joe since I was prolly 10 years old.

I really don't like carving pumpkins. It just kind of grosses me out, and the stuff makes my skin itch, so I could be semi-allergic to pumpkin guts ;)
(I'll just keep that as my excuse).

Evan was terrified of pumpkin guts, he just kept saying (well, what we could make of his almost-2-year-old language) "gross!" Haha, and just pointed, and each time we had him touch it he would pull back and wipe his hand on his shirt. Hahaha, it was funny. But he loved stabbing the pumpkins with the little poker, and helping everyone. He's just such a cute kid and I love spending time with him. My sister and brother-in-law came over and they joined in and made some awesome pumpkins. My mom decided we had one more pumpkin for me to do, so I chose to paint it. And it was definitely the runt of the patch. It was all deformed and so I decided that part of it look like it was an old person without teeth (sucked-in mouth). But as I painted it, I decided it looked like a space muppet from sesame street :)

We had a lot of fun and I'm really sad today is over. I love being with my family :) It is so much fun! Plus, I got to hangout with my favorite boys.

I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween :)

My 74th Letter

..and this very well could be my last of the mission.

"Can you believe I only have 1 month left? The mission has gone by so fast, but right now it feels so slow! I just can't wait to see my babe! I'm excited to hug you as well! I'm also really excited to go home teaching though, as well as being able to hold little children again.. I haven't held a baby for a long time!"

"Babe, I love you! We've got my last Zone Conference this week, and then I probably won't get any post from the office until my last day."

Then he says, "Oh well!"

NOT OH WELL!

Hahaha, I'm kind of sad :(

This is it everyone. Who knows if he'll be getting my letters anymore, and if he doesn't, maybe he'll just read them on his plane ride home, which is probably about 11+ hours.. :/ I think I'm still going to write him up until the week before he goes home, so he'll at least get one letter. Makes me panic though, I wanted to write him one final, "hooorraaahh!!" letter before he came home, and now he might not even get it :( Oh well. I'll still send it, if not, I'll just tell him everything when he gets home!

This may or may not be my last letter of the mission. I have 3 weeks to get a letter and the chances of me getting 3 are very slim. I might get 1 MAYBE 2 if I'm lucky, but most likely just 1... 

I can't believe I'm even saying this. I'm just so excited to have him home :)

Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers these next 4 weeks!

I'll keep you informed of everything that happens I promise!!

What Got Me Through

I'm having a hard time tonight, and my hands just don't write as fast as they type, so I'm sorry if you're all sick of hearing about this, but I want to get this out somewhere.

It hit me really hard tonight. I was doing fine all day :) And then......it was like I got shot in the heart. I'm just sitting in math class, trying to pay attention, and I just start crying. Half because I'm super emotional this week, but half because I really haven't allowed myself to cry today. Not that I think I should cry every year, but I am strong, and I thought I was a lot stronger, but I still feel the same. I still feel the same pain. The numbness. The guilt. The grief. It's all there. I still really need to work through some stuff, I guess.

Tonight, I decided to go through some stuff that helped me get through my senior year. Yes, I pulled out the journal I've had kept away for 2 years. I pulled out the folder that contained my Loss/Grieving Group papers/information, and I pulled out my EFY notebook (I do every year).

I opened my folder from the group I was apart of in high school, cause I just wanted some comfort. And the first thing I saw, was the letter President Monson's secretary sent to my college ward bishop (when I was down at Snow). Oh how I cried and cried when I got that letter...

I flipped through some of the things people had shared like music, movies, poems, books, and quotes to help us for a good laugh, or during a good cry. And tonight, I'm definitely having a good cry. I then came across the letter I wrote. This was by far (next to Brady leaving, of course) the toughest thing I've ever had to do.

My school counselors made us write letters to the loved one(s) we had lost. So, that was pretty easy, I had a lot on my mind and I wanted to get all of it out, as if I was telling him. But they threw in a twist. Something unexpected. Something I've never done before. On the other side of the paper, they wanted us to write a response to ourselves from that person. "What would they say to you? How are they feeling?" I remember. I just started crying, and tonight, I cried as I turned my paper over to read his response. I just pictured him telling me this.

Oh how I want to hug him so badly. I've tried being strong for a really long time, but tonight just wins. And that's okay, I want to remember Andy, and tomorrow will be a better day. A new day :) I'm so grateful to my high school counselor, who got me through EVERYTHING. And I truly mean that. I want to be her. I want to be what she is, for kids in high school. I want to make a difference and have a chance to change someones life.

this is so hard. and I hope nobody ever has to experience this, even though death is apart of human life. just remember you matter, you are loved by many, including a Father in Heaven, who loves you more than anyone ever could. You are important, you are wanted here. TWLOHA ♥

tonight, i'll finish with some Tear Soup,

"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup.
"It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time.
"The next morning Grandy was cleaning up, Chester asked her if she was done making tear soup.
"Well, I don't think you actually ever finish."


over and out.

3 Years

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories, and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. God has you in His keeping, I have you in my heart.

If Roses grow in Heaven, Lord please pick a bunch for me. Place them in Andy's arms, and tell him they're from me. Tell him I love him and miss him. And when he turns to smile, place a kiss upon his cheek, and hold him for a while. Because remembering him is easy, I do it every day. But there's an ache within my heart, because I'm missing him today.

Thinking of you on this day :)

Missing you as always,

but I can't wait to see you again someday.

Watch over us.

I love you Andy!

I Finished

I finished the Book of Mormon today. It has taken me a while. I did the Read With Me challenge with my friend Becca, but that ended in 2010.... I picked it back up (after sadly getting out of habit of reading it) towards the end of the semester in 2011... and I just barely finished it today. I can't believe it took me that long, but I'm glad I did it. I wanted to read it not only again, but also before Brady got home. And I did that with 29 days left to spare! :)

Many of you know, well... prolly not, unless you read my blog. But anyways, you know that I've been having a hard time coping with the fact that Brady is coming home. I've been going insane. I don't sleep at night, I can't eat I'm so nervous. And it is literally all I think about. But during this reading, I found only 2 different scripture passages that really stood out to me these two years. The whole book is great, I'm not saying that it isn't, but I couldn't help but know these scriptures were answers to my prayers, and just plain comfort.

Ether 12:6-7. I like these two verses, but it's the end of verse 6 and all of 7 that really got me thinking. I even went to the temple the next day, and I couldn't stop thinking about verse 6.
"...faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
I cannot get over that. I have read that verse in my life, at least a million times, and something about reading it this time around just really hits home.
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."
I keep having all these "what if's" and they're keeping me from sleeping, eating, wanting to do anything, etc. This scripture brings me comfort because I cannot control anything right now. I have to wait until Brady is home. This is a trial of my faith. This last month is a trial of my faith. These last two years have been a trial of my faith.

I'm lacking faith in my Heavenly Father. I know He is there. I know He comforts me, and that He is listening to my ever-so-earnest prayers. I feel so alone, and sometimes I'm not sure if I'm receiving answers. Sometimes I'm not sure he is really listening. Even at the age of 20 I still get that way sometimes. But it's always going to be a constant effort, put forth by me, to show my Heavenly Father my faith, and trust in Him. I cannot just have faith one day, and then I'm good for life. No, it is every.single.day. That is something this scripture has taught me. You have to have faith. You have to trust. You have to know and remember that God will not forsake you. He will not leave you comfortless, and unanswered. I do not believe God would listen to our prayers when we ask if something is right or wrong, or if we just plain need guidance, and then just sit there and watch us suffer and try to figure it out on our own. He is there.

One last scripture to share, just for the sake of happiness and comfort.
Moroni 9:25-26.
"My son (or daughter), be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."
"And may the grace of God the Father, whose throne is high in the heavens, and our Lord Jesus Christ, who sitteth on the right hand of his power, until all things shall become subject unto him, be, and abide with you forever. Amen."
Just so much power. Straight up.

I'm so grateful this was one of the passages I read when finishing the book today. I have a strong testimony of this gospel, and this book. Moroni 9:25-26 is so comforting. I need to keep the hope of his glory and of eternal life in my mind forever. I need not forget that I will one day be with Him again. I cannot imagine my life without the gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful every day that I'm a member. That I belong. That I am a Daughter of a Heavenly King. This book is true. I believe in it. I stand by it. I am a witness of its teachings. This can never be destroyed. It can never be taken away. For this is God's work. This is God's time. And I am here to help, always. In His Sacred Name, Amen.

And now, we start over...

1 Nephi 1:1..

Here I come! :)

Red

Taylor Swift

10.22.12

One fantastically different album.

I'll just go ahead and say how I feel about each song.

Including the bonus tracks.

1. State of Grace:

I still have no idea what she's even talking about. Sounds like a victory song too.

2. Red:

I like this one. Pretty catchy :)

3. Treacherous:

What does that word mean? But I kind of like it.

4. I Knew You Were Trouble:

This song is awesome!! I love singing this one :)

5. All Too Well:

I haven't listened to it enough to know how I feel about it.

6. 22:

I kinda feel like she should be talking about being 21. But it's got a great beat, and I love jamming out to it!

7. I Almost Did:

This is the one song that is most like her old stuff. I love this song, and very relatable.

8. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together:

This was her first release and I have loved this song since day 1. It's so fun and just great :)

9. Stay Stay Stay:

Sounds like a sweet song but I still haven't listened to it enough yet.

10. The Last Time:

I wish it was just her singing, and not Snow Patrol added in.

11. Holy Ground:

So far a good song, but I gotta listen to it a few more times.

12. Sad Beautiful Tragic:

Pretty much a sad song.

13. The Lucky One:

Is this from the movie, the Lucky One?

14. Everything Has Changed:

Nothing like her usual style. Ed Sheeran joins her, but I, again, wish it was just her.

15. Starlight:

This is a catchy song, kind of like "Long Live" but not as great as Long Live.

16. Begin Again:

Like I Almost Do, this is very relatable. GREAT song!

*BONUS TRACKS*

17. The Moment I Knew

Kind of a song about being let down, but a good one.

18. Come Back... Be Here:

This one just gets me. I feel I relate to this one the most. I have had it on repeat all day now.

19. Girl At Home:

Kind of random, but funny. Who deals with players anymore?

20. Treacherous (Original Demo):

Again, what does this mean???

21. Red (Original Demo):

Just a chance to listen to it twice!

22. State of Grace (Acoustic Version):

I like this a lot better than the original.

Okay, so maybe I'm judging a little too much on this album, but it's SO different. She is so much more grown up in this album, I think. I'm someone who likes relating to things. In fact, every single song Taylor has written, I have been able to relate to it somehow, and that's what makes me fall in love with it. This album is different. It's out of her comfort zone. It is nothing like her old stuff, which I think is really big for her. She did great taking a leap like that, and she has some GREAT songs! I just think I'll have to listen to it a bit more to get into the other songs. Thanks Taylor, for helping so many of us in our lives :)

1 MONTH LEFT

I can't believe those words just came out of my mouth. 1 Month Left.

I've made it you guys.

I.made.it.

I know I still have 4 weeks left, but that's it. 4 weeks. 

4 weeks is nothing compared to 2 years. I cannot believe this is almost over. I'm getting so excited. Here are some samples of questions I get asked frequently:

"Are you so excited?"

"How many days left?"

"Are you nervous?"

"Are you going to the airport?"

"Are you freaking out?"

And then I hear those questions repeated at least all the time. Hahahaha, its fun though, helps me know I'm not the only one excited! :) I really hope these next 4 weeks go by as fast as they can. I'm over missing him. I just want him home now. I'm getting nervous but so excited. I can't believe his mission is almost over. Looking back, holy cow, I thought it was going to take forever, and it did, but this year has FLOWN.... the first year was just straight up slow-torture. 

He's coming home THANKSGIVING DAY @ 10:00 PM.

WHAT THE??

10 PM?? :(

Please pray for me as I go through the LONGEST DAY EVER.

Whose decision was that??? Oh well. At least he'll be home :)

He'll be home for Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, my birthday, his birthday... he'll just be home and I cannot wait for that. I'm getting SO very very very excited!!!

I had my sweet friend Kim take some pictures of me to send to Brady for his birthday, so I guess I'll share a few in celebration of having to wait just 1 more month for my sweetheart.

30 Days

4 Weeks

1 Month

Like a boss.