It hit me really hard tonight. I was doing fine all day :) And then......it was like I got shot in the heart. I'm just sitting in math class, trying to pay attention, and I just start crying. Half because I'm super emotional this week, but half because I really haven't allowed myself to cry today. Not that I think I should cry every year, but I am strong, and I thought I was a lot stronger, but I still feel the same. I still feel the same pain. The numbness. The guilt. The grief. It's all there. I still really need to work through some stuff, I guess.
Tonight, I decided to go through some stuff that helped me get through my senior year. Yes, I pulled out the journal I've had kept away for 2 years. I pulled out the folder that contained my Loss/Grieving Group papers/information, and I pulled out my EFY notebook (I do every year).
I opened my folder from the group I was apart of in high school, cause I just wanted some comfort. And the first thing I saw, was the letter President Monson's secretary sent to my college ward bishop (when I was down at Snow). Oh how I cried and cried when I got that letter...
I flipped through some of the things people had shared like music, movies, poems, books, and quotes to help us for a good laugh, or during a good cry. And tonight, I'm definitely having a good cry. I then came across the letter I wrote. This was by far (next to Brady leaving, of course) the toughest thing I've ever had to do.
My school counselors made us write letters to the loved one(s) we had lost. So, that was pretty easy, I had a lot on my mind and I wanted to get all of it out, as if I was telling him. But they threw in a twist. Something unexpected. Something I've never done before. On the other side of the paper, they wanted us to write a response to ourselves from that person. "What would they say to you? How are they feeling?" I remember. I just started crying, and tonight, I cried as I turned my paper over to read his response. I just pictured him telling me this.
Oh how I want to hug him so badly. I've tried being strong for a really long time, but tonight just wins. And that's okay, I want to remember Andy, and tomorrow will be a better day. A new day :) I'm so grateful to my high school counselor, who got me through EVERYTHING. And I truly mean that. I want to be her. I want to be what she is, for kids in high school. I want to make a difference and have a chance to change someones life.
this is so hard. and I hope nobody ever has to experience this, even though death is apart of human life. just remember you matter, you are loved by many, including a Father in Heaven, who loves you more than anyone ever could. You are important, you are wanted here. TWLOHA ♥
tonight, i'll finish with some Tear Soup,
"Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe. Some days you feel like running away. You just hope a better day comes along soon. And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup.
"It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time.
"The next morning Grandy was cleaning up, Chester asked her if she was done making tear soup.
"Well, I don't think you actually ever finish."
over and out.
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