Unwanted Obsessions

I thought a little bit about writing this post, but then I told myself it doesn't matter and I'll just write about it in my personal journal. But then my cute friend Elisabeth wrote a blog post similar to what I had been thinking about writing.

I have this app on my phone, I'm sure you either have it, or you've heard of it. It's called MyFitnessPal. It keeps track of your calories/food you're eating and your exercise, depending on how much weight you want to lose a week. This became my obsession: calorie counting. I hate it. I hate the obsession. I hate the thought of not eating foods I want because of the calories. Sure, I should watch how much and what is in the food I eat, but I shouldn't starve myself of the things I want to eat.

So what did I do?

I deleted the app. I got rid of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not in control; that a stinkin' app is controlling what I do and do not eat. Again, I know I could have been in control myself, but it became an obsession. An unwanted obsession. I'm tired of counting calories. I'm tired of feeling like I can't eat anything.

I also decided to do away with my gym membership at the cute little gym by my home. I wasn't going every day, but I was paying for it like I should have been going every day. I just am not a dedicated gym person. And I have heard, non-stop, "What about the winter?" UGH. [I don't workout in the winter.] A lot of people don't, sure I can work on my arms, my parents have weights, but just because its winter doesn't mean I have to go to the gym. But, in reality, the gym became an obsession the thought of being at the gym became an obsession. The pressure, the thoughts, the guilt....

"I'm not at the gym like I should be." "I should go to the gym, instead of eating this ice cream."
I honestly felt like I couldn't just go to the gym to go. I felt like I had to be there for 60 minutes. That I had to run my hardest, that I had to beat my time, that I had to bike, and lift weights and use the machine's because everyone else was. I felt ashamed of myself because I wasn't like everyone else. These thoughts became an unwanted obsession.

I ran Cross Country in high school. Best. Decision. of my life. I was really nervous, and was diagnosed with sports enduced asthma. It wasn't very fun, and held me back because it became difficult to breathe the more I picked up my speed, but never once did I EVER let that defeat me. I would always have someone standing at the finish line with my inhaler, and my parents were there to support me. I made lots of friends; best friends. It was the best decision of my life.

And before you know it, I dropped a couple pant sizes, and I found myself happy dancing in the dressing room at American Eagle. I will never forget that moment. That moment of happiness. That moment of success. Knowing that because I ran, to stay in shape, to be involved in high school, to do it for fun, and to be apart of a team, really boosted my self-esteem. I didn't run in high school to stay thin, I didn't obsess over my weight, sure I wished I was skinnier, but it wasn't my only thought. I was honest with myself...... I ran, to run. I ran because I loved it. I loved running. I had NO idea what I had done my entire life without it. This became my first wanted obsession.

I love running, its my favorite thing in the world. Now that I've been graduated for a few years, I just like to run to run. No pressure, no need to lose 20 pounds (though that would be nice), in a week or so.... I run to be healthy, to get fresh air. To use the body I have, to be grateful for the ability that I have to run. I run because I LOVE to run. I may not ever run a marathon, or a half marathon, neither might I ever finish first in a 5K, but I run because I love it, and because I can.

So, in conclusion, I'm just going to run. I'm going to run because I want to, no strings attached. I'm well aware of needing to stay healthy and to take care of my body, but I'm in control now. I am going to control what I eat, I'm going to control how long I exercise and how I exercise.

"One day you’ll wake up and instead of having that argument about whether or not you want to run, you’ll ask yourself how you lived without the run. It becomes the best part of your day and creates the best friends and best moments in your life. All you have to do is put one foot in front of the other even when it seems hopeless, pointless and impossible." 

(source)

These unwanted obsessions must go. They have no choice.

Livin' Our Love Song

On a night like this

Teary-eyed, as you took my hand

And I told you that I'd be your man

So many things have come,

so many things have gone.

One thing that stayed the same,

is our love still going strong..

Baby just look at us, all this time and we're still in love.

Something like this just don't exist,

between a backwoods boy & a fairytale princess.
People said it would never work out.

But living dreams, we shattered all doubts.

It feels good to prove them wrong,

just livin' our love song.

With my heart beatin' fast, and my shakin' knees,

It's pretty hard to believe, after all these years,

I still need you this badly.

Oh girl we've come so far,

everything I want is everything that you are.

18 days left.

♥

(Livin' Our Love Song - Jason Michael Carroll)

3 Year Anniversary

Today, is mine & Brady's 3 year anniversary. It was spent fasting (and me almost dying from fasting), spending 2 lovely hours at church together, searching for apartments, seminary graduation for Brady's siblings & some snuggle time before the work week starts. Our true anniversary is in only 24 days!!! I'm going to speak with the Bishop & Stake President next week for my big kid temple recommend and I couldn't be more excited!!!! :) We're getting so close and only have a few things left to do!! :) I hope you all can make it and share our special day with us. So lucky to have this man in my life. I can't believe we've been together this long. I'll never forget the day that started us, but I'm so grateful to have him in my life. He is one of the greatest blessings I've ever received.

I'M GETTING MARRIED THIS MONTH. AAAAHHHH.

I am seriously so excited you guys. Here is the final countdown post. Are you ready? June is going to rock, and hopefully go extremely fast!!

25 days until marriage.

Today is my bridal shower.

Sending invites this coming week.

2 weeks until Katie's Wedding

2 weeks & 4 days until I go through the Temple.

3 weeks until my ward bridal shower.

3 weeks & 4 days until I get married.

3 weeks & 5 days until VEGAS.

Small, but that makes me happy :)

We're getting so close everyone.

Can't believe it's here!!

D1

Katie's bridal shower was tonight. I'm so excited for her!! She's getting married in just 2 weeks!! It came so fast! :) She's going to be a gorgeous Bride and I'm so happy for her :)

We played some really fun games. It was basically a Snow College reunion. Some girls came, I haven't seen in over 2 years!!! Some of them my own roommates! There was lots of screaming, laughing, reminiscing of the good ol' days in Ephraim. I really love getting together with my roommates. I don't know what it is, but I always feel like I can act like myself, and they won't judge me. It's always so fun, and even though we don't always see each other and hangout like we used to, at least when we get together, it's as if time has never passed. I love these girls so very, very much.

Snow College Gals

D1 Girls. Just missing Jade :(

1 Month

Alright ladies & gents.

Are you ready?

31 days.

That's it.

AAAAAHHHHH.

I couldn't be more excited.

You guys, June is basically here.

My best friend Abby is throwing my bridal shower this Saturday.

I hope all of my friends can make it! :)

And in just a couple weeks, I'll be entering the Temple.

And a week after that, I'll be getting married.

I really hope time starts to pick up.

I spoke in church today, off of this talk.

I love it. It has always been one of my favorites.

It felt weird talking about marriage,

but there was good information that I can use in preparation.

I'm so excited to get married so soon.

We're sending invitations out this coming weekend,

so if you haven't, give me your address!!

Also I have been practicing my new signature, and
I'm sorry, but a Z... really?
It throws off the cursive completely.
So much practicing to get it right.

BUT. It's also been extremely fun getting wedding invites,
and others address it to my new last name. :)

Eeeeeek. I'm so excited you guys.

7 Days of No Negativity

So basically I have this friend. I mean, my online friend, but lets forget that and just call her my friend. Her name is Brooklyn and she made a call for anyone who wanted in on this experiment. She decided she wanted to have everyone, including her, try being positive for 7 days. She sent us all a cute little bracelet to wear, to remind us.

Though I'm not a bracelet wearer, I kept it in sight, always. It was the cutest thing. I don't have much pictures to share.

This was a great experiment. One that I constantly try to do every single day. It is very hard, I'm not going to lie. I complained about my job, my stomach hurting, my head hurting, how Brady and I never eat dinner together. I complained about the stress of my upcoming wedding. I also had negative thoughts about others and found myself feeling angry towards others. Twitter, can be a good and a bad place. I love it, but it's SO easy to complain on Twitter, which made me hesitant to get one.

I constantly put myself down about my weight. I've been on this calorie obsession lately. It's all due to this STUPID (yes that's a negative word) app called myfitnesspal. It counts your calories, and ANYTHING I put in my mouth, I'm worried it's going to take up half my calories. Which can be a good or a bad thing, but lately, I've been so caught up in my self-image.

Brady and I took our bridal/groomal pictures yesterday and yes, I did feel beautiful in my wedding dress, and Brady constantly reminded me, but I was wishing I was skinnier, like other brides.

Ugh, I don't even know where I'm going with this post. Other than it was a hard 7 days but I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I know I'm not alone when it comes to slipping and thinking negatively, that I'm not alone in this struggle.

I have been reading the scriptures every morning. I'm reading the Doctrine & Covenants. I really love D&C. I just feel like, its much more personal than the Book of Mormon, because it's straight revelation to Joseph Smith instead of translation of other record. I have enjoyed reading it, and it has helped me be more positive. So I suggest reading scriptures (whether you're lds or not) in the morning. Start your day of positive. Start your day off with God.

"God is for us, so it doesn't matter who is against us." - Al Fox

Thank you Brooklyn, for this experiment. I will always try to do my best to be positive.
OH. And since it's #throwbackthursday, let's enjoy the very first picture of Brady and I, ever.

2010.
What a beaut.