Unwanted Obsessions

I thought a little bit about writing this post, but then I told myself it doesn't matter and I'll just write about it in my personal journal. But then my cute friend Elisabeth wrote a blog post similar to what I had been thinking about writing.

I have this app on my phone, I'm sure you either have it, or you've heard of it. It's called MyFitnessPal. It keeps track of your calories/food you're eating and your exercise, depending on how much weight you want to lose a week. This became my obsession: calorie counting. I hate it. I hate the obsession. I hate the thought of not eating foods I want because of the calories. Sure, I should watch how much and what is in the food I eat, but I shouldn't starve myself of the things I want to eat.

So what did I do?

I deleted the app. I got rid of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not in control; that a stinkin' app is controlling what I do and do not eat. Again, I know I could have been in control myself, but it became an obsession. An unwanted obsession. I'm tired of counting calories. I'm tired of feeling like I can't eat anything.

I also decided to do away with my gym membership at the cute little gym by my home. I wasn't going every day, but I was paying for it like I should have been going every day. I just am not a dedicated gym person. And I have heard, non-stop, "What about the winter?" UGH. [I don't workout in the winter.] A lot of people don't, sure I can work on my arms, my parents have weights, but just because its winter doesn't mean I have to go to the gym. But, in reality, the gym became an obsession the thought of being at the gym became an obsession. The pressure, the thoughts, the guilt....

"I'm not at the gym like I should be." "I should go to the gym, instead of eating this ice cream."
I honestly felt like I couldn't just go to the gym to go. I felt like I had to be there for 60 minutes. That I had to run my hardest, that I had to beat my time, that I had to bike, and lift weights and use the machine's because everyone else was. I felt ashamed of myself because I wasn't like everyone else. These thoughts became an unwanted obsession.

I ran Cross Country in high school. Best. Decision. of my life. I was really nervous, and was diagnosed with sports enduced asthma. It wasn't very fun, and held me back because it became difficult to breathe the more I picked up my speed, but never once did I EVER let that defeat me. I would always have someone standing at the finish line with my inhaler, and my parents were there to support me. I made lots of friends; best friends. It was the best decision of my life.

And before you know it, I dropped a couple pant sizes, and I found myself happy dancing in the dressing room at American Eagle. I will never forget that moment. That moment of happiness. That moment of success. Knowing that because I ran, to stay in shape, to be involved in high school, to do it for fun, and to be apart of a team, really boosted my self-esteem. I didn't run in high school to stay thin, I didn't obsess over my weight, sure I wished I was skinnier, but it wasn't my only thought. I was honest with myself...... I ran, to run. I ran because I loved it. I loved running. I had NO idea what I had done my entire life without it. This became my first wanted obsession.

I love running, its my favorite thing in the world. Now that I've been graduated for a few years, I just like to run to run. No pressure, no need to lose 20 pounds (though that would be nice), in a week or so.... I run to be healthy, to get fresh air. To use the body I have, to be grateful for the ability that I have to run. I run because I LOVE to run. I may not ever run a marathon, or a half marathon, neither might I ever finish first in a 5K, but I run because I love it, and because I can.

So, in conclusion, I'm just going to run. I'm going to run because I want to, no strings attached. I'm well aware of needing to stay healthy and to take care of my body, but I'm in control now. I am going to control what I eat, I'm going to control how long I exercise and how I exercise.

"One day you’ll wake up and instead of having that argument about whether or not you want to run, you’ll ask yourself how you lived without the run. It becomes the best part of your day and creates the best friends and best moments in your life. All you have to do is put one foot in front of the other even when it seems hopeless, pointless and impossible." 

(source)

These unwanted obsessions must go. They have no choice.