This post is a little for me and just venting, and if someone wants to read it, they may.
So I've had a lot to say this month. More than most months since June and July. I've just decided it's easier for me to blog about things than to write them in my journal, but I'm still doing my best to write in it. I've been going through so much in my life it is crazy!
Most people know me as the "goody-good mormon" lol, my roommates all thought I was going to be that "quiet book of mormon girl" hahaha it makes me laugh, but it's a compliment. A compliment that I wished I still lived up too. :/ I miss my Heavenly Father. I miss His warmth. I miss His hugs, and His love. I miss His Holy Temples, and the ordinances that take place inside, and being apart of the ordinance that starts it all. I miss the Sacrament, and General Conference, Bishops, Ward Members, Scriptures, Lessons, 3 hour church meetings, Sunday best, Sabbath Day, morning and evening prayers, daily scripture reading. I feel like all of that and more has been wiped away from my life completely.
I've written a lot of missionaries these past couple years. It's just a delight and I enjoy it! It's always so nice to hear from people who know how well the work of the Lord is going on in other parts of the world. I was reading a blog of a missionary I know (his sister posts his letters) and I couldn't help but just completely feel the Spirit overtake me. It made me want to serve a mission. I get so excited when I hear/read how hard missionaries are working for the church. How obedient and faithful they are. It inspires me. I've been having a hard time accepting the fact I only have one more month with Brady before I have to wait two years. But then I remember all the amazing letters I'll get. How I get to personally know someone who is changing the world one step at a time in England. I can't believe he has this opportunity and I'm glad he's taking it because if I could serve a mission right now, I'd take the chance in a heartbeat.
Missionaries are amazing people. Both Elders and Sisters. I really love seeing the Sister missionaries downtown at the Salt Lake Temple. They're so sweet and from all over the world. They're serving at my FAVORITE place in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. Sometimes it makes me wished I was serving with them. I love seeing Elders on the side of the road, or pretty much anywhere. There is a missionary companionship in Ephraim (where I'm going to college) and I was shocked when I first saw them because Ephraim is so small, not a lot of people, yet amazing because the Lord still feels it is important for Ephraim to have missionaries. We have two English speaking, and two Spanish speaking Elders. Institute is my very favorite part of my day. I'm really sad it's a lot shorter than seminary, but it's enough to get me by. I think next semester I'll have Institute be my first class so I can start the day off with the Spirit.
Anyway, I guess I need to quit telling myself I'll try harder everyday to read my scriptures and pray, because it's not happening. I haven't been to the Temple in over 2 months :( And before that, it had been MONTHS. I love the Manti Temple, but I don't have a car or I'd drive there ALL the time. It was hard moving away from three Temples that I had easy access too. I need to quit making excuses for myself. I have a roommate, who read a quote her friend tweeted, it was, "Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." - Satchel Paige. I really believe that. That quote is TOTALLY me. I really need to pray to the Lord whenever. I shouldn't wait till I REALLY need help, or am feeling lost, lonely, and hurt.
I love my Lord. My testimony hasn't ever changed and it never will. The loss of my friend, a best friend and the life changing experience called college has had a lot of influence and pressure on me and the way I live, but I'm doing my best. I have a hard time dealing with change, and I haven't been able to get over this one. I guess I could say I'm going to keep working hard, but I'm not working hard enough. I feel like I need to serve a mission just to make myself work hard. I need something, I need help. I don't want my Heavenly Father to be my last resort for anything. I'm not going to let that happen anymore. I'm going to need him more than ever, everyday of my life, starting now.
This song, is definitely how I'm feeling now. It's amazing and has helped me through a lot.
In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen. ♥
1 comment:
I'm going to fix this sentence for you.
"all of that and more has been wiped away from my life completely."
All of that and more will ALWAYS be around me in my life completely. Instead of feeling alone, you need to focus on the fact the you are never alone. He is always with you and listening to what you need. He will never leave! It's just sometimes, when you need help or support, he can't give it until you ask. But he is always there for you. Brady will be a great missionary and you're strength for him and putting your feelings aside so he can serve will bless you in the end. Trust me Ash, a Temple marriage with your best friend is something worth waiting for. Don't forget that and that you really are never alone. If anyone can keep Brady focused and encouraged, it's you! Don't worry, keep your head up and focused.
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