The Year I Didn't Go

This post is long overdue... but I'm waiting too long to write it!

Last year was the year I didn't go. The year my heart ached to see Andy. The year I struggled to go say hi. The year I finally felt okay not going. But at the same time, I felt AWFUL.

I have gone every year since he passed away. Sometimes I'd go twice a year. But last year, I never made it. I cried a lot. I was at war with myself. A lot of it was apart of the process of letting go. I don't want him to ever feel like he's not important to me anymore, ever! It felt weird breaking a habit of going to see him after 3 years... It didn't feel right to me.

One thing I remember, as my mother once told me, "It took me about 2-3 years before I stopped visiting my mom... Give yourself some time." I felt like my family never understood why I always wanted to see him. But it was just apart of healing, and it brought comfort to my heart. And now that it really has been 3 years, I just made the decision not to go. I don't know when I'll ever visit him again, because it definitely felt weird not visiting him, but I'm okay. Time does heal wounds, and I know he is in a much better, happier place than on this earth.

As you see on the right hand side of my blog, there is a TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS picture, it will lead you to their website. It's a movement, support and help for those who are struggling of ALL kinds, especially suicide. It's something I'm apart of, and it inspires me to help everyone around me.

I have had the same EFY lanyard since I met Andy at EFY which was 3 years ago. It was something that reminded me of him daily, but I knew I needed to move on from that and let it go, so instead of finding something completely different, I got something to remind me of Andy but in a positive way. A way that would encourage me to always help others, and to remember that I, myself, matter. That this life isn't so bad and leaving this world doesn't have to be my only choice.

Next I got a sweatshirt, and it's the comfiest thing ever. I'm really grateful that there are people in the world who put others before them, to help save lives, and it's a ripple-effect. I cannot wait to be a high school counselor. I cannot wait to help others, with whatever it is they're going through both good and bad. It's one of the biggest desires in my heart. I'm grateful for my high school counselor, who, still to this day, helps me when I can't hold back the tears.

I love my Andy so much, and I always will. And I know that even when I choose not to go to his grave to see him, he will know I'm thinking of him. Every single day. It's okay now, even if I miss him still. Watch over us Andy, we all love and miss you.

God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again..... ♥