I've had a lot on my mind lately, especially concerning my spirituality. I ponder all the time where my relationship with my Heavenly Father is, and how strong I need it to be. I wonder how I could work on being a better person, always. I ponder what to pray about, how to pray about it, and then how to work for it and hold my end of the rope, knowing that God has his end. I think about my life, where it's going, where God needs it to go, and who He needs His daughter to become in this beautiful world (and I say that because I'm grateful for the earth that Heavenly Father has provided us.)
Well, I can tell you right now, everything changed on April 1, 2012. I can't even begin to explain it, but I'll start somewhere. Remember when I did that Read With Me challenge, almost two years ago? Well, it really changed my life. It takes a lot to be dedicated to reading the Book of Mormon, (10 pages) every night while away at college, knowing your roommates are out having fun, but you have the commitment of reading, it's very hard. But I did it. I actually finished reading the Book of Mormon a day early, and can I just tell you how amazing it was. You can read the post that I linked above, but I can't begin to describe how it changed my life. It really changes lives. And I've watched it change mine.
Well, when conference came around this year, I felt a little impressed to pray a lot more about my future, and future family. Weird right? I mean, I'm so young... but I just had the impression/prompting to do so. I wrote down so many questions and concerns and then prayed to my Father in Heaven, thanking for all the wonderful examples I have around me when it comes to families. I really love Brady, and I know I'm going to marry him. I know it's going to be hard work to be a wife, and a completely different life-style than what I'm living right now, but I know it'll be worth it. I know it'll pay off and I know I can do it. I can't say I know what it's like, but I can only prepare myself well enough to endure. I hope that Brady and I have a good future together, and I know that the Lord will help us. Which leads to my point of this post.
"A mighty change of heart is not something we experience only once. Rather, it is a process we repeat over and over throughout our mortal lives, and thus our light grows "brighter and brighter until the perfect day" (D&C 50:24)."
A mighty change of heart is constant. It's always happening. It doesn't just stick, and then one day you realize you never have to work hard for it again. I have had this impression that my Heavenly Father has changed my mind these past two weeks. The way I look at my future is no longer, what am I going to do with my life? Where am I going to go to school? How am I going to pay for this and/or that? But rather, my thinking has changed to, I can do all things through Christ [and the Lord] which strengtheneth me (1 Cor. 4:13 [emphasis added]). It sounds cheesy but it's so real. I can't tell you how happy and humble my heart feels knowing the Lord is there for me. Knowing the Lord will provide a way. Knowing that as long as I relied on the Lord and lived a righteous life by keeping my commandments, praying, studying my scriptures attending church meetings and the temple, etc. that he would carry me where I fell. I started reading my scriptures every morning, and writing down things from my study in my journal. And I love it; I've loved every second of it.
I am having a hard time with life, and wondering where I changed and why I'm not the same spiritually as I was when I was in high school/young women's/seminary. And that quote simply struck me the moment I read it. It was like God was telling me that it's okay that I've changed, and the only thing I need to worry about doing is being consistent with my reading and praying, and strengthening our relationship, and I can have that lifestyle back (with the exception of being a YSA). I used to read my scriptures in my high school classes, I would skip class/lunch to go sit in on a seminary class (usually Brother Smith). I used to put sticky notes inside and write on them. Every verse in my Book of Mormon is colored. I have notes written all over the sides, including quotes from authorities to match the scriptures. I have glue-in's and handouts from seminary and institute. I can never throw this book away. It means too much to me. I worried about my young women all the time, and the experience and privilege I had to be the Laurel President is one of the most precious memories I've ever had. Nobody will EVER know how much love I had for those girls. They were my everything, and I did all that I could to make sure each and every single one of them knew they were special in the eyes of God, and in the eyes around them. Now, I don't say this to be cocky, I'm just expressing my past lifestyle, and what I loved about myself in the past and how I wished I was still that same girl, 2 years ago.
"A Bible [and/or B.O.M.] that is falling apart,
usually belongs to someone who isn't."
- Unknown
Sometimes I wonder how I let my life get in the way... how I let myself die spiritually and then wonder why me? When I knew I wasn't putting in effort. And then I read this talk, and it was like God was speaking straight to me. I expressed these feelings with Brady because I feel that way towards our future. Neither of us are sure about what's going to happen when school comes into play, or where we'll live or go, or what jobs we'll have. I'm too concerned (well was) about the future, and what was going to happen. But now I know that no matter what we do, where we go, where we live, how we pay for things, how we go about schooling, that the Lord will provide a way. He will, I just know it. I just know my Heavenly Father is there for me. There is no greater feeling than the unconditionally perfect love my Father has for me. He has given me so many wonderful things in my life, and though sometimes the trials and darkness blur my vision from me clearly seeing it, I know deep in my heart that "He's there; waiting to succor his beloved daughter" (From Brady's letter).
I bare testimony that no matter what happens in this life, that as long as we are striving to become better each day. That as we make it consistent in our lives to read our scriptures daily, and pray to our Father in Heaven morning and night, or as my Institute teacher would say, "Bed to knees.... knees to bed," that he will take care of us. It is that mighty change of heart, consistently that keeps us going. That keeps the faith in our lives. I am so blown away by the power of the Spirit and the revelation I receive from Him daily. I know that I cannot do this without my Heavenly Father. I just can't. And for that, I'm am forever grateful to have someone who supports and loves me regardless, every.single.day.
In His Beloved name, Jesus the Christ, Amen.
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