Not A Day Goes By..

This could be an intense venting post.

Just a heads up.

I don't know what started it, but yesterday, while driving home from work, a thought just randomly, but quickly, entered my mind. I should go visit Andy's grave. It's been a while. And then I played the song "Back to December" by Taylor Swift and it completely explains the situation of Andy and I. I wanted to start crying, but I couldn't. I couldn't get him out of my mind all night long. The song "The Prayer" by Celine Dion (and sung by many others) came on my iPod. That is the song Andy's school choir sang at his funeral, and I just wanted to hug him. It's been so long since I've felt any emotion about losing him. It's been a long time since I've just stayed at home because my heart was too broken to do anything else. It's been a while since I've written about him in my journal and on here. It's been a while since I've read things from the folder I got in grieving group from my senior year. It's been a while since I've read "Tear Soup."

As I'm putting dance pictures away, because the memories still sting. (Well, some of them) I see the journal that contains that broken heart that used to survive in my chest. So, knowing me, I picked it up. I opened it just to put the marker in it. But then I started flipping through pages and such to see what I wrote. Than I was interested in what was the last day that I wrote in my journal. Then I started reading ahead. A lot of it was about an ex-lover, and mostly of my friend Andy. I cannot believe how torn I was over Andy. My entire senior year. I couldn't sleep at night. I was feeling regret, and I blamed myself for a lot of things.

In one journal entry, I wrote this, "So back to talking about feelings for him... I like him but the more I think about it, I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm only using him for the comfort Andy left me without. Am i? :/ idk." - I can't even begin to tell you how much that crossed my mind during my senior year of high school. Another entry, I stated, "J watched this Ghost Whisperer show yesterday, this girl and boy like each other but then he dies, haunts her and shows her. Well then she almost dies, the ghost whisperer lady saves her so then she gets one last chance to talk to him and she says, "Will you tell him to look for me when it's my time to join him?" and he tells the lady he says yes. Then he crosses over. I started to get teary-eyed because I want that. So badly to speak with him and see him. :(" - I've watched that episodes SO many times. It would mean so much to me to see my Andy once more in this life. That one last day. One last chance. One more minute. Hour. Glimpse of him, while I continue this life. But I know that won't happen, so that's why I depend on his grave site. Because it will always be there for me, because he's in Heaven.

I really can't even begin to tell you how fast things can change. The last four entries in that journal are proof. One day I'm super excited about going to this event with my ex, and how we had a great time hanging out that day. LITERALLY two days later, I write that things are over. And that I'm so broken. I write about how hard things are without him, and now I feel more alone than ever when it comes to dealing with Andy. There are so many factors that play in the biggest road bump in my journey, but I'm going to leave them out.

I'm doing extremely better months...years later, but it wasn't easy getting to where I am. I had so much support from my family, and friends and licensed counselors, and church leaders, and most of all my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm doing amazing now! I met someone who is irreplaceable! When I look back at those journal entires I just find myself thinking of how different I was. I'm amazed at how I thought this boy was everything I'd ever need. That he was the best thing I could ever find. The things I said and the way I talked about him, just make me laugh. I was so stupid to think that what we had was real at the time.. because looking back, I was definitely wrong.

Brady is my bigger and better. He treats me perfectly. He fulfills things that my past couldn't. He understands, listens, and cares. He only ever wants me to smile, and that's something my ex never thought of doing. Now, I'm not here to bash him, because at the time, he was exactly what I needed to get through my senior year after my sweet Andy passed away. I'm grateful he was there for me because nobody else could be the way he was. He carried me, and that is how the Savior met my needs. The heartbreak was worse than anything I've ever experienced before, and it's a wound that only stings now. Nothing big, nothing dramatic, nothing to lose sleep over, to cry over, to waste my time thinking about. But when it does come up, I feel a little sting, think of how dumb it is, and tomorrow comes.

This isn't how I was hoping this post would go, but I'm always glad to get off my chest whatever I can. Judge me how you want. Think of me how you want, be angry and think I'm dumb for still wasting my time even thinking about this stuff. But pain is real, and when I feel it, I feel it. So go ahead, but I'd rather you learn something from this. I'd rather you learn to have compassion for others. To learn how someone can just need a hug. With no explanation needed. To learn to keep those who are struggling in your prayers, and to notice when the Lord needs you to be his instrument in someone elses life. Also, to learn the things can chance faster than a second. Your life can take a turn that you didn't think existed. Learn from it. Embrace it. Face it. And go with it, because I didn't. And I don't want anyone to choose the path of grief that I did. I know my Tear Soup is just sitting underneath my bed. It'll never be completely done, and there isn't a correct recipe for it. All I know is that it exists, and I'm grateful for my Tear Soup. Learn that it's okay to cry. Even over a heartbreak. A silly, little, heartbreak over a boy that was once your entire world. Don't ever apologize for crying, and don't ever let someone try and stop you.

I feel like Andy is frozen at the young age of 16... That I'll never have a perfect picture in my mind of what he'd look like now, what he'd be doing. What school he'd be going to in the fall, and if we'd be hanging out. I feel like Peter Pan and Wendy... he'll live in Neverland and I'll always be here; growing up.

One week from Monday will be the 20 month anniversary since I found out my sweet Andy left us. It's definitely bitter sweet, and I'll definitely be visiting his grave soon. I love my Andy. I always will. I love Brady. With all my heart, but Andy will always own a piece of that. After my family, he'll be the first person I find in Heaven on the morning of the First Resurrection.

God lives. Saves. and Loves us.
Unconditionally.
In His Beloved name,
Amen.