Time

 "Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done."— C.S. Lewis

This post isn't for everyone. I wrote it on the 5th and wasn't sure I was ready to publish this. I'm definitely okay. I'm in a stable environment now. I'm not a danger to myself, and I'm actually living a good, healthy and happy life. I'm just needing to vent, and again I feel better doing it here than handwriting it. The poem written below I found on another blog, and I felt the need to share it, and found that it goes PERFECTLY with this post.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;

to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,

because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I post this quote (below) for a reason. I've hidden friends on facebook so I don't feel pain and hurt when I see that they're living their lives as if I've never mattered to them, and I'm left with the heart shattering memories of what used to be still carefully hidden in my heart. I do that for a reason. To protect myself from feeling down, and posting stuff like this on my blog. I know I set myself up for it, and it may seem a bit immature to some of you, but I'm not afraid anymore. I've read a few blogs that are pretty inspiring and yeah, some may seem pretty bold and I'm just like wow, they sure have confidence in themselves. But it teaches me not to care what people think. Depression, sadness, heartbreak, its all real. People are hospitalized, and pay others to get them through things, and cry and pray, and are weak. Emotions are real and I think people forget that. It's hard to have parents think that you're just saddened over something, and I give them credit because after so much, what more can they do!? They're lost and their child needs help. But at the same time, I don't think it's a good idea for people to just "brush it off" and think oh, they'll get over it. No, some people don't (unfortunately, I'm one of them and I'm fortunate in many ways.)

I write this blog to you. The one who hurt me. The one who influenced me to allow myself to feel this way. It is powerful, and I don't like it. I want to be me again. I want to look at your face, your pictures, hear your name, see your number and not think anything of it, other than, you're just someone I went to school with. I want you to be in my past. For good. I no longer want to sit and wonder why. I no longer want to sit and think how could you do this? In fact, I no longer want anything to do with you. And as harsh as that is, this pain for me is real and in order to get rid of it, I have to get rid of you. It's heartbreaking, but believe me when I say I've had it worse. I no longer want to remember you, and the things you did. How you not only treated me as a person/"friend" but as a school classmate. Sometimes you seemed to care but not anymore, and I want to be the same. How did you do it!? How did you stop talking to me? How did you stop looking at me? How did you stop caring!? Because I'd sure like to know how, so I can be the same way with you, and get on with my life. I've tried erasing your number, that obviously never works. I hid you from my facebook. That works, until I see you on someone elses' page, then my heart breaks and I wonder how you've been or what you've been up to (I rely on facebook because you don't communicate with me any other way, in fact, not even facebook.) As hard as this is to admit, I don't want our friendship to end up like my sweet Andy's did. I don't want to one day find out that you're gone, and that I didn't get a proper goodbye, or that I didn't treat you the way I should have. Please don't let that happen. I've tried my hardest to be understanding, and though we went our separate ways, you'll always mean the same thing to me. Always. No matter what we went through together. No matter what we've said to each other. Nothing. None of it matters now.. and it never will. I wish the best for you, and I hope your future goes amazing. You'll always be something in my heart, but it has to be put away in order for me to completely be somewhere else, instead of with you.

I made the title of this post Time for various reasons. People never really get over things. I hope you know that. You never really move on, you just learn to live with it. Such as, waking up and taking care of things needed to be taken care of during the day, and then before you fall asleep, you allow yourself to fall apart because you've "learned to live with it" during the day. After time you manage better and you fall apart less and less, but anything, even something small, can trigger that pain and bring it right back as if it never left. Time is everything. I lost my sweet Andy almost 2 whole years ago. But time has been on my side. It's allowed me to grieve how and when I've wanted to. It's allowed me to experience happiness and gain some closure. It has allowed me to experience a heartbreak like I never have before. It's allowed me to be closer to my family, the wonderful gospel I'm apart of. It's allowed me to view life differently then most of those around me. I miss friends. Old and new. I have a hard time letting go because I cannot allow to happen with others what has already happened. I just wish everyone in my life cared about me the way I care about them. But they won't, and they don't, and they prolly never will. But that can't matter to me anymore.

It's time to move on. It's time to stop caring. It's time to stop wanting. It's time to stop wishing, believing, hoping, that something will change. It's time to stop making it my priority. It's time to forget. It's just time. And time is all I need in order to make this happen. I'm happy again! :) I'm Ashley. A different, more grown up version than who I used to be. But I know what I am, and what Heavenly Father needs me to be. I'm in a good place in my life right now, and I've got the perfect family to support me. We're always going through constant trials, and someone will always have it worse than you. But that doesn't mean your small trial doesn't matter to Heavenly Father, because it does. I matter. You matter. Please don't ever forget it.

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll be there. So don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay." -Michael Cera