You Can Change

Well, I've got a lot on my mind today.

It's been a fabulous Sunday.

Very spiritual, and just what I've needed.

Something was different about today. Normally, when I'm at church, I always am so tempted to leave early. Either I'm not focused, or I'm bored, or I just don't want to be there. It's been really hard sitting through a class learning about the Old & New Testament. I guess I need to study those books more. But today, I didn't want to leave. It was right at the beginning of sacrament and I just felt like it was going to be a good 3 hours. And it was.

In sacrament meeting, they spoke about the Plan of Salvation and the happiness that comes from it. It was really good, and I learned a lot. I said the closing prayer, and that's something I've never done in sacrament meeting before.

Sunday school was really good. We talked about, Preparing the Way of the Lord and repentance and such. It was really good. I enjoyed it. In Relief Society, we spoke about a conference talk called, Come Unto Me with Full Purpose of Heart, and I Shall Heal You by Elder Patrick Kearon (From Conference Oct. 2010) It was just amazing. The young woman did a great job. I'm going to write her a thank you card. We basically discussed sin and repentance and what we can do about turning our lives around and being obedient. I'd like to share a quote, from the very beginning of the talk. He says, "Tonight I would like to share a message of comfort and healing with any of you who feels alone or forsaken, has lost peace of mind or heart, or feels that you have thrown away your last chance. Complete healing and peace can be found at the feet of our Savior." - I really like that. He almost sounded like he was crying and he was only seconds into his talk. At the end of the lesson she shared a song called You Can Change and I cried.

That song means everything to me; and she has no idea. That song is from EFY 2009. That's the Summer I went to EFY and met my sweet Andy :) That song touches my heart, and causes me to cry, so most of the time, I usually never listen to it. I do really well when it comes to remembering my Andy. Unless the memory of him, or something is right in front of my face, then I lose it. And today, I lost it. I miss him so much today. That song reminds me of him, and has meant more to me since his passing, than ever before. I dealt with a lot of guilt and regret after Andy passed away. I had a hard time with some personal things, and was just a tad angry with myself and Andy.

I was mad that I didn't help him more. I was mad that I didn't reach out to him. I was mad that he didn't come to me. I was mad that he stopped calling. I was mad that I didn't see him again. I was mad. I was mad, and I was upset. I missed him. My heart was broken, shattered. I felt guilty. I felt sadness. I felt hopeless, and at the end of the road. This song related to Andy because he could change. He could have turned his heart around, he could've flown and been happy. He could have stayed here. With me. With his family. With his friends, pets, etc. But he didn't. And there isn't anything I can do anymore.

I really miss my Andy. I was crying when I heard that song. We listened to the whole thing in church. It was a beautiful day outside and I decided to drive to the Manti Temple.

The Temple is a beautiful place. A place I go to for peace. A place I go to because that's where I feel closest to my Heavenly Father. All church long I knew I needed to go to the Temple and pray out loud to my Father in Heaven. All the things of my heart, all my concerns and just ponder. I love the Temple grounds. It was windy and sunny. It wasn't cold and the sky looked beautiful. I know my Heavenly Father and sweet Andy were there today. I miss them both so much everyday, but I know I still need to go forth here on earth and prepare the way of the Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.