Christ Came

My post is a spiritual venting this time.

Enjoy.

Well, I've been struggling, a lot lately. I just feel like I haven't found who I really am yet. I thought I did, but it's slowly falling apart. I first decided I needed to be somewhere other than Snow next fall, but I can't decide where. I've been truly seeking help, prayer held in my heart, and I've applied at some colleges, but for some reason I'm still feeling unsure. Maybe I'm not meant to go to school next fall, work and wait for what the Lord has in store. Maybe I'm not supposed to marry Brady right away, and serve a full-time LDS Mission. Maybe I'm supposed to go to school out of state, maybe I'm supposed to go to school right by my home. Maybe I'm supposed to marry Brady and go where the Lord sends us. That is how crazy I've felt. And trust me, there's more.

People have been telling me not to worry. Not to base my decisions on my missionary, because we may not marry or because he's going to be gone for two years, and to pray, fast and ponder of where the Lord thinks I should go to school. Or not to fret and stress out because it's so far into the future, or to stay at home because it's "cheap". It's been hard hearing some of those comments because it is important to me, no matter how far into the future it is. I think I told you I ordered that Stand A Little Taller book that my friend blogged about and I cannot wait for it to get here!! I just want it in my hands right now.

Which now leads into my next thought.

The scriptures.

Well, tonight I decided I was going to catch up on all my reading from the Read With Me Challenge. I've been 10 pages behind everyday now and tonight I decided I was going to change that and I'm truly glad I did. I learned so much tonight. We're in 3 Nephi and I got to read chapter 11 tonight. Yup, that's right, chapter 11 :) I almost started to get tears in my eyes when I read about the Savior walking through the multitude and letting them feel of his wounds in his hands and side... I just wish I could've been there. I can't wait till I get to run to my Savior and just hug him and cry and never let go and tell him I love him and thank him. He's truly my best friend, and even though I wasn't there with the Nephites, Christ Came and I felt the Spirit.

When I got to chapter 13, I came across a verse that I know Heavenly Father put in there for me tonight. It's verse 8 and it reads, "Be not ye therefore like unto them, for your Father knoweth what things ye have need before ye ask him." - I can testify that's true. Before I started reading tonight, I went to the Hale Center Theater to see A Christmas Carol with my family. It was so fun and I haven't been in a long time! It made me grateful for Christmas :) But the last time I was at the Hale Center Theater, I was with my dear Andy. My sweet, sweet Andy. I just stared at the exact location he was standing when I showed up, when I was walking in tonight, and I couldn't help but smile and remember how happy I was to see him. I wished he would've been standing there tonight. I remember where we were parked, what restaurant we ate at, where we sat, when we walked up the staircase and where his family stood when I got there. I remember where we sat inside exactly, and I remember EVERYTHING that happened. It seemed as if it happened yesterday, and I can't believe it happened only over a year ago.

I wanted to cry. I started to feel overwhelmed a little, but I made sure I didn't let it show. I wanted to enjoy myself (which I did) and enjoy the time with my family (which I did). I just hurt still. I still need time. I wish he wasn't gone. I wish he was still here. It's so hard knowing he's with our Father in Heaven and I have to deal with struggles down here, whether they were just as hard as his or not. I do just fine when it comes to Andy, until the memory is right in front of me. His birthday is Sunday and I'm really hoping I can go and visit. Now, here is where I tie in that scripture with what I just shared. When I got home I was feeling a little down and then I started to pound myself with, "you need to forgive so and so" "quit being so rude to your family" "be nicer to your friends" "be a better person" and all those wonderful thoughts (not) that Satan tries to put in our heads. And I remember pleading inside my head/heart and just hoping that my Heavenly Father would help me tonight. And he did. He put in chapter 11 of 3 Nephi in front of my face tonight.

I know I have a testimony of my Savior. I know that Christ Came to the Nephites and testified of all the things taught to them previously and which shall be taught to them in the future. I know that what Christ said about how we can be saved and live with him is the true way to happiness eternally. I'm so grateful we have disciples out serving so that others can feel the Spirit from chapter 11 like I did and will always. I know that I'm not perfect, and that some days I get mad at others. I get mad at my family, we fight and sometimes I get frustrated with my friends. I can get a little harsh with my sarcasm sometimes and can come off mean. I can say things about others and sometimes bring up frustration and anger about someone, and pridefully gossip; but deep inside, I know that's not who I am, and I'm going to work on that. I have a ton of imperfections, but I know that Christ loves them all perfectly. I know that through his Atoning sacrifice and I can learn to forgive and be forgiven. I have a long road ahead of me, and one crazy journey, but I know that when I get to Heaven, I can tell my Father how much worth it was to me to come to Earth. My testimony of Christ will always be solid, no matter how crazy my life gets, or how lost I feel.

Christ Came to me tonight. And he'll always come.

In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, Amen.