Too Many Titles Possible For This Post

The reason I name this post that is because I have so many things to make this post out to be. I have so many things to express. So much gratitude, happiness, some pain, and much more! I have so many mixed feelings write now, I don't even know where to begin! So I guess I will start with what is currently on my mind.

I went to meet with the Bishop tonight. We spoke about what we had the previous interview. My dear friend Andy :) I had written President Monson a letter (explanation found here), so we were talking about and discussing things that stuck out to me in the talk President Monson had me read. I cried. I always do! I'm such a bawler. Anyway, I just have a hard time with acceptance. Not acceptance in all things, just with this situation. For some reason I have a hard time just accepting the fact that Andy is in God's hands now. His future is dependent upon the Lord. I almost feel like I truly knew Andy's heart. I knew he was a great young man, and that he truly had a strong testimony of the gospel. He had lost his way for a while, but I feel like I need to plead before the Lord in his behalf, to forgive him, even though he struggled and made mistakes, he's still a good person, he's still loving and kind, and has a heart of gold. But I have to shut myself up and remember this is GOD we're talking about. The Creator of all things. He made up the rules, the judgments, the plans, EVERYTHING. And here I am, acting inside as if the Lord isn't going to forgive him, or let him have a hug, or let him repent of his sins. I'm acting like a fool and as if I don't believe all the church teaches about the Lord's forgiveness. I feel terrible :( But it is something I'm working on, and as forgiving as the Lord is and I know he will be with Andy, I know he will be with me. I love him for that. Anyway, at the end of my interview, my bishop was kind enough to let me borrow one of his books. The Miracle of Forgiveness by President Spencer W. Kimball. I cannot wait to read it.

Now, on to my second thought. Brady. Sheesh! I think about, write about, talk about this kid so much! He's just on my mind that much ;) I really am so thankful for him. I was crying in my interview. I really missed my friend Andy today and I needed a hug. I really just think so much of my memories with him. I know I need to be better on learning to let it go, but it'll be a year on the 25th since his passing, so I know it's normal to not be completely moved on not even a year later. I just feel like I always need to talk about it sometimes. Sometimes I feel like it's a drag for most people to hear me just sit and talk about him, but it really helps. Yeah, sure, it makes me miss him a lot, and brings up feelings that are sometimes uncomfortable for me, but it's good because then I don't bottle it in. Brady is always quick to know I need to talk about it. I remember when we were first dating, I wasn't sure if I should tell him about Andy. I didn't for a while, and then one night we were walking through the neighborhood and stopped at a park. I told him I've been needing to tell him about it, and I did. He knew it was serious and was quiet and just listened. He kind of joked, and said well maybe I shouldn't turn in my papers yet so just in case I get called state wise I won't leave in October and make it hard on you because of two different things. I remember laughing and thinking how cute it was, but I could never do that. He hugged me and apologized I had to go through something like that but I let him know that I hope he would understand when I would randomly have a hard time and that it is just me getting through it. He just is so kind, and tender-hearted. I don't know how he does it, but he's so understanding. We've only been together 4 months, but I know he loves me.

One last thought. I gave my best friend a Book of Mormon before I left to college, with my testimony written in the front cover. I've yet to say anything because I don't want her to feel like I'm being pushy about the religion or the book or reading it and all that comes with the Gospel. I just want her to know how important I find the comfort and happiness it brings. I finally asked her tonight if she got it, and she said she did. I was happy :) She said she's read it a little bit and usually goes to it when things get hard and she needs a little comfort. -- I don't think I've been happier in my entire life to hear that! It's amazing :) I love her, and I'm glad she's found that same comforting feeling from it that I have. That's all I've wanted her to get out of that book right now, when I gave it to her. I just want her to know that God loves her. That she isn't alone when she feels like it. That someone understands when she's feeling hurt or having a hard time. I want her to know that she's special and she matters. Her life is so important and I've always wanted her to know that, even when we were growing up, even if she'll never become a member, she is loved by God. I want her to know that God exists. I love you best friend!

This has been a pretty long post, but I learned a lot today, and I've had way too much on my mind. I'm digging this online blog/journal thing; it makes me want to blog every single day! Sometimes I write these posts for people to read, sometimes I just do it because I want to or because I could never write this with pen and paper in my other journal. I feel good now that I've let all that out, but to whoever reads this (especially my parents) I want them to know that I love them, and that I care. I know they are aware and they only want to help me. Even when they've come to their last resort on helping me cope. I want them to know that I'm okay, and that I promise I'm working through this and that it isn't a huge burden on my life like it used to be a couple months ago. I love the Lord with all my heart. I know He is there watching over me. I know He hears my prayers in the morning and at night, even if I'm half way kneeling, He hears them. I know He knows the intents of my heart, and who I truly am, and what I'm truly wanting out of this human journey. I'm forever in debt of gratitude to my Father in Heaven, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my very own earthly family. I say these things humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. ♥